2.5 Years and Standing Taller

I'm not going to lie. It's still hard to be in reconciliation mode with my h. The first year was hard just trying to wrap my head around the A with crippling depression. The second year was harder as it felt like I was stuck in tar and couldn't move forward until my h showed progress and effort in our rebuilding... think tectonic plate movement. Going into the third year it finally feels better, the term "better" being relative to the first two years. It's still a conscious daily decision to keep at it with him and sometimes I do wonder if the arguments I get into with him drive a wedge in my heart away from him on the occasions he doesn't feel receptive. It doesn't matter at this point... well, it does but as long as I stay the course, I figure I will (1) see forward incremental progress in our relationship, (2) come to accept that this is as good as it gets, or (3) wake up one morning and say "Eff it, I tried."
You know that saying about the best revenge is living well? It's true. Seriously. Looking back I wish I had employed the 180 much sooner and more comprehensively because I see how effective it is in my life now. The A still bugs the crap out of me and I have my sad moments but it no longer defines who I am.
Back in December I joined back up with my old martial arts studio and started teaching the kids class like I did eleven years ago. I remember the life I had before h. All the old and new friendships, the learning, the teaching of little ones. I'm even busier than I was with this new commitment and yet I'm thrilled to be back. It's something apart from my life with h, it's mine, dang-nabbit, and he can't muck around with that or take away my belt ranking.
At first h didn't really seem all that interested in watching my classes which was kind of a bummer. One time, though, h dropped in to the studio to pick up our son while I stayed behind and my teacher told me, "I could tell that was your husband." I asked him how he knew and he said it was the stars in h's eyes when he looked at me. I was incredulous but my teacher reassured me, "Oh, you're just not tuned in on the same frequency. I saw it." This was very uplifting. My teacher and friends know nothing of the A, so for anyone to notice anything, it's amazing to me.
I post pictures of old and new friends on the studio page on Facebook and upload recorded videos of lessons for students to reference. A lot of great comments from friends started pouring about how happy I look. Last week h dropped by on his way home from work to pick up some dinner I bought for us. This was not an unusual event. What was unusual is the fact that in spite of being very tired, he decided to watch my class for a bit and chat with some students and my teacher. He even complimented me in front of them. This is significant because he's not (in my perception) a very emotionally open person, particularly when it comes to opening up to me. Then it dawned on me that I was just doing a 180 of sorts by building up my own life instead of chasing happiness with him.
So here I am. It's been 2.5 years. I wish I didn't have to experience this in my marriage. I wish I could gush on and on about how deeply and madly in love I am with my h or how my marriage to him has transcended time and space. It hasn't. I love him, yes, and it's my choice to love him because those warm squishy feelings I spontaneously get every now and then for him are gravy. The most important thing to me at this moment is that I'm feeling stronger than I ever have in years and that can only help my relationship grow.

Replies

Allora
Allora

It\'s so good to have an update from you. It\'s good to hear that you\'re feeling strong and doing well.
Cole50
Cole50

Congratulations on progress! May it continue to grow.