2/12/15
*Trigger warning - depression, suicidal thoughts"
I want an escape and not return to where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been overwhelmed with daily life again and again. I feel like like life is simply going from one crisis to another. The other day I realized I regret not taking my life. I can usually talk myself out of these thoughts usually because of my dogs, but this week I even thought about giving them away. That realization makes me feel very low.
One of my major (if not the one that affects everything) stressors is finances. If I get sick or injured and can't work for a little while, I can be evicted or go hungry. Even though I am a nurse and get paid well, I have to be able to work to get it. Previous surgeries, illnesses, and injuries keep me from a regular enough paycheck to live and pay my bills.
Maybe this is because of a medication change? My doctor recently added Trazadone to my Effexor (which had been a bit helpful). Maybe its because I feel guilty about breaking up with a sweet guy that I didn't have feelings for? Maybe I'll still grieving my lost religion, my family, my last major relationship, my health?
I've been looking at rehab, especially for eating disorders. Unfortunately one of my insurances doesn't cover it, and the other hasn't started yet - I haven't seen it taken from my paycheck. I feel checking myself in for a month would be most beneficial, but I don't seem to have the resources/support to do that - managing my apartment, dogs, bills.
On that day I was feeling a lot of regret, I was able to at least change the scenery by going to my yoga class and signing up for teaching training. Yoga is a mini escape for me. I'm hoping this training will help me refocus. I'm just hoping I can.
I want an escape and not return to where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been overwhelmed with daily life again and again. I feel like like life is simply going from one crisis to another. The other day I realized I regret not taking my life. I can usually talk myself out of these thoughts usually because of my dogs, but this week I even thought about giving them away. That realization makes me feel very low.
One of my major (if not the one that affects everything) stressors is finances. If I get sick or injured and can't work for a little while, I can be evicted or go hungry. Even though I am a nurse and get paid well, I have to be able to work to get it. Previous surgeries, illnesses, and injuries keep me from a regular enough paycheck to live and pay my bills.
Maybe this is because of a medication change? My doctor recently added Trazadone to my Effexor (which had been a bit helpful). Maybe its because I feel guilty about breaking up with a sweet guy that I didn't have feelings for? Maybe I'll still grieving my lost religion, my family, my last major relationship, my health?
I've been looking at rehab, especially for eating disorders. Unfortunately one of my insurances doesn't cover it, and the other hasn't started yet - I haven't seen it taken from my paycheck. I feel checking myself in for a month would be most beneficial, but I don't seem to have the resources/support to do that - managing my apartment, dogs, bills.
On that day I was feeling a lot of regret, I was able to at least change the scenery by going to my yoga class and signing up for teaching training. Yoga is a mini escape for me. I'm hoping this training will help me refocus. I'm just hoping I can.
Replies
I do hope you are feeling somewhat better today. I have felt and still feel exactly how you feel daily. Unfortunately I don\'t have any pets to love. You are blessed to have them. And, it took a lot of strength for you to actually get up, get dressed, and go to your yoga class. I wish I had that strength. Wish you peace.