2/11/12 No longer TTC

I haven't  been on here in a couple of days. It's just been too depressing. So in my last journal I explained what happened with my boyfriend getting arrested. I went up to the jail first thing Monday morning and of course they wouldn't let me see him and they told me they could release him on $150 but they had to talk to immigration first. I called back in an hour and they informed me that immigration put a hold on him and he will be getting deported back to Mexico :(. So I guess this is the end. He won't be able to come back cause when he came 6 years ago, it wasn't that hard to get over here. But now that the immigration laws are getting stricter, if he gets caught crossing the border after being deported, he can spend 2-3 years in jail in Mexico. I am not going to move to Mexico either cause their life is so different there I don't think I will  be able to adjust well. I can't leave my family either. I am always going to love and miss him. Everything happens for a reason. I just started fertility treatments, but fortunately we didn't BD anymore after Saturday so I shouldn't be pregnant. I would hate to have a child and then they never know their father cause he's in another country. But all this was his fault. I told him all the time that he needed to stop drinking so much but he never listened. He lost everything cause of it....me, his house, truck, and job. I hope he learned his lesson, even though it had to be this way. I am going to stop Clomid, no need to continue it anyways. I am going to try to lose weight and hopefully someday if I find somebody else, I can get pregnant the natural way. Next time I am going to get married first before TTC. I shouldn't have been TTC out of wedlock anyways. But, God has a plan for me. I'm not sure what he wants me to do, but I'm just going to live day to day and thank God every morning for a new day.