2 1/2 years after the affair
I can't believe it has been over 2 and a half years now since I had to go through one of the hardest things of my marriage. It just seems like yesterday sometimes, when something triggers a memory, or an unpleasant feeling. To be honest, it is a struggle sometimes to not feel the hurt and pain that the affair left in it's wake, but more so the doubt- the second guessing on if I made the right decision or not.
My husband and I are now closer than ever, as far as being best friends and being able to talk about feelings, the status of our marriage, our future, our doubts, fears. dreams. etc. It comes so easily now that I get less shocked when I hear something I don't want to hear- like if my husband is unhappy with a certain thing or if I think something is fine when it is not. I appreciate his honesty though. His biggest complaint is probably my fear of rejection, which leads to me not making very many moves or advances towards him, thinking automatically that he wouldn't want me in that way, or if I start to kiss him and he doesn't seem to into it, just stopping and thinking he doesn't want me when perhaps he just isn't getting my subtle hints that I am in to him. He doesn't like feeling unwanted, just like I don't and sometimes this is our biggest struggle.
I think because of the affair, and always second guessing on if he is still in love with her or if she will ever move on and be over him, and so many other doubts and questions that come to my mind it causes me to constantly put up walls to protect myself from ever feeling that hurt again. If I don't let myself fall completely in love with my husband again, to the point where I get lost, then it won't hurt as much if he decides to leave. He doesn't like that, thinks that I am just waiting for him to leave.
The part I miss the most, is the security I used to feel in his love for me. I was unrealistic, and I never even allowed it to be an option that we wouldn't be together- but in doing so, I created a living hell for myself when what I thought would never happened, happened and I was left picking up pieces of my broken self. I honestly just want both of us to be happy. My husband has put up parameters to block the other woman, but she is constantly finding ways to break through. He even turned off his phone, blocked her on face book, but now she just uses her sister's face book to message him or send a letter to the house those kinds of things. She is constantly bringing up the past, why they didn't work out, if what they had was real and he loved her why didn't he leave me, how she is still waiting for him, etc. It is stressful for me, and causes him much grief as well.
We have made it past the part where a day, or two or three even more will pass without mention, thought or memory of the affair. It has dwindled down to about once every two weeks or so it is brought up. I enjoy that part, the part of my life moving forward a sense of moving on and getting past that hurtful part of my life.
I honestly don't know if my husband and I will make it through. We have been thrown all the things that should break us apart- war, affair, mental illness,job loss, depression, etc and somehow we are still together, for how long, I don't know. We both just turned 30 and have a lot of life ahead of us, and we both know we did everything we could to work on saving this marriage so if we were to walk away we will walk away better people, stronger.
If I could go back I would change so many things. I would be stronger, love myself more, and I wouldn't stay. I would force him to live with his decision, instead of giving him me when he had her. It made sense at the time, but now I am embarrassed for how weak I was, how little self esteem I had for myself to allow someone to treat me that way- who was supposed to love me. He gets upset when I say it, but I would believe actions over words- he could tell me loved me and didn't want a divorce all he wanted, but if his actions didn't show that I should have left. I would have loved myself more, I would have been stronger.
We all know we can't go undo the past, even if we wish we could. In the end the experience open my eyes to the reality of love, marriage, the different phases of a relationship, and taught me so much more about myself than I would have ever know otherwise.
Today, yet another tragedy has plagued our lives that I also don't know how we will come out in the end.
I am 23 weeks pregnant with our little girl. She is moving around and is already loved deeply by both of us. At first the unexpected pregnancy was scary for us both, a life changer, and at times we both questioned our ability to be parents or for our marriage to survive yet another stressor. I thought even, if I had this baby, I would definitely be losing my husband.
Instead, my husband has been amazing. He kisses me and my belly every day. He holds me and my belly at night, trying to feel her kick him back and he talks about raising our girl and how excited he is to hold her hand and meet her. We discuss names and where we want her to sleep and those things. He has been so supportive and understanding I have only fallen more in love with the husband and father he has already become.
We were delivered horrible news two day ago that our baby's chance of survival is not likely. She has hydrops, which now means a blockage in her lymphatic system causing extra fluid to build up between her bones and skin. For now she is breathing because of me, but she can pass at any moment inside of me and I will be induced. She can also make me sick, and at that point i would also be induced. She can also miraculously make it close to term, and I would deliver and she would either be stillborn or if she is born alive she will die within hours.
They don't know what is causing the fluid. All genetic testing is coming back normal, but now they are testing for something viral. Until they discover what is wrong, they cannot treat it. There is no treatment or therapy at this point. We have been told to go home and wait for her to stop moving, for her heart to stop. We have been encouraged to make a birthing plan to include funeral arrangements, to determine if we want an autopsy, etc. All those things that you don't want to think about, when your baby isn't even born yet. They don't want to do a C section delivery because the recovery would be something that could take me away from the only time we have with her.
We both have cried since we found out. My husband is hurting for me, and for him. He already loves her, just as I do and we feel wrong giving up. We don't want her to be treated as if she is already dead.
At this point all we can do is wait and see what happens. We have weekly ultrasounds to check on her fluid, to see if she is still alive and to check on me- to see if I am presenting life threatening symptoms.
I feel broken, devastated, lost and over come with a pain I don't understand. I don't know why I keep getting the short end of the stick in life sometimes, and it makes me very discouraged about the future.
All we can do is wait this out, and bond with our little girl as best we can until she is taken from us.
My husband and I are now closer than ever, as far as being best friends and being able to talk about feelings, the status of our marriage, our future, our doubts, fears. dreams. etc. It comes so easily now that I get less shocked when I hear something I don't want to hear- like if my husband is unhappy with a certain thing or if I think something is fine when it is not. I appreciate his honesty though. His biggest complaint is probably my fear of rejection, which leads to me not making very many moves or advances towards him, thinking automatically that he wouldn't want me in that way, or if I start to kiss him and he doesn't seem to into it, just stopping and thinking he doesn't want me when perhaps he just isn't getting my subtle hints that I am in to him. He doesn't like feeling unwanted, just like I don't and sometimes this is our biggest struggle.
I think because of the affair, and always second guessing on if he is still in love with her or if she will ever move on and be over him, and so many other doubts and questions that come to my mind it causes me to constantly put up walls to protect myself from ever feeling that hurt again. If I don't let myself fall completely in love with my husband again, to the point where I get lost, then it won't hurt as much if he decides to leave. He doesn't like that, thinks that I am just waiting for him to leave.
The part I miss the most, is the security I used to feel in his love for me. I was unrealistic, and I never even allowed it to be an option that we wouldn't be together- but in doing so, I created a living hell for myself when what I thought would never happened, happened and I was left picking up pieces of my broken self. I honestly just want both of us to be happy. My husband has put up parameters to block the other woman, but she is constantly finding ways to break through. He even turned off his phone, blocked her on face book, but now she just uses her sister's face book to message him or send a letter to the house those kinds of things. She is constantly bringing up the past, why they didn't work out, if what they had was real and he loved her why didn't he leave me, how she is still waiting for him, etc. It is stressful for me, and causes him much grief as well.
We have made it past the part where a day, or two or three even more will pass without mention, thought or memory of the affair. It has dwindled down to about once every two weeks or so it is brought up. I enjoy that part, the part of my life moving forward a sense of moving on and getting past that hurtful part of my life.
I honestly don't know if my husband and I will make it through. We have been thrown all the things that should break us apart- war, affair, mental illness,job loss, depression, etc and somehow we are still together, for how long, I don't know. We both just turned 30 and have a lot of life ahead of us, and we both know we did everything we could to work on saving this marriage so if we were to walk away we will walk away better people, stronger.
If I could go back I would change so many things. I would be stronger, love myself more, and I wouldn't stay. I would force him to live with his decision, instead of giving him me when he had her. It made sense at the time, but now I am embarrassed for how weak I was, how little self esteem I had for myself to allow someone to treat me that way- who was supposed to love me. He gets upset when I say it, but I would believe actions over words- he could tell me loved me and didn't want a divorce all he wanted, but if his actions didn't show that I should have left. I would have loved myself more, I would have been stronger.
We all know we can't go undo the past, even if we wish we could. In the end the experience open my eyes to the reality of love, marriage, the different phases of a relationship, and taught me so much more about myself than I would have ever know otherwise.
Today, yet another tragedy has plagued our lives that I also don't know how we will come out in the end.
I am 23 weeks pregnant with our little girl. She is moving around and is already loved deeply by both of us. At first the unexpected pregnancy was scary for us both, a life changer, and at times we both questioned our ability to be parents or for our marriage to survive yet another stressor. I thought even, if I had this baby, I would definitely be losing my husband.
Instead, my husband has been amazing. He kisses me and my belly every day. He holds me and my belly at night, trying to feel her kick him back and he talks about raising our girl and how excited he is to hold her hand and meet her. We discuss names and where we want her to sleep and those things. He has been so supportive and understanding I have only fallen more in love with the husband and father he has already become.
We were delivered horrible news two day ago that our baby's chance of survival is not likely. She has hydrops, which now means a blockage in her lymphatic system causing extra fluid to build up between her bones and skin. For now she is breathing because of me, but she can pass at any moment inside of me and I will be induced. She can also make me sick, and at that point i would also be induced. She can also miraculously make it close to term, and I would deliver and she would either be stillborn or if she is born alive she will die within hours.
They don't know what is causing the fluid. All genetic testing is coming back normal, but now they are testing for something viral. Until they discover what is wrong, they cannot treat it. There is no treatment or therapy at this point. We have been told to go home and wait for her to stop moving, for her heart to stop. We have been encouraged to make a birthing plan to include funeral arrangements, to determine if we want an autopsy, etc. All those things that you don't want to think about, when your baby isn't even born yet. They don't want to do a C section delivery because the recovery would be something that could take me away from the only time we have with her.
We both have cried since we found out. My husband is hurting for me, and for him. He already loves her, just as I do and we feel wrong giving up. We don't want her to be treated as if she is already dead.
At this point all we can do is wait and see what happens. We have weekly ultrasounds to check on her fluid, to see if she is still alive and to check on me- to see if I am presenting life threatening symptoms.
I feel broken, devastated, lost and over come with a pain I don't understand. I don't know why I keep getting the short end of the stick in life sometimes, and it makes me very discouraged about the future.
All we can do is wait this out, and bond with our little girl as best we can until she is taken from us.
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