1st ramblings
Not really sure what to write, been an up and down day due to various things. I suppose it would be fair to write a little about myself in general for anyone who reads this. Not that I think anyone will!
Anyway. I am currently not sure under which category I sit, I guess that is partly the point! In my profile I mark that MTF transgender seems like the best fit. Some days I feel so far from being a female that I seem to doubt even that and maybe I am just a freaking weirdo!
For ease of understanding I guess MTF is an easy shorthand. This is mainly because if I could change my sex tomorrow I would and deal with the fall out as it comes. I know that wont happen so I internalise the struggle between my female life I desire and the male one I have and generally tie myself in knots.
Bit of background info. I am in my late 30s, I live in the UK, I have a job which I love and most importantly, no one in my life knows anything of my struggle with my transgender issues. In my life I present totally as a male despite how I feel when I am alone with myself.
Suppression of my female when I am amongst people has become a second nature to me. I am not sure where this began, but I do recall a very distinct moment in my life when I told my mother I wish I had been born a girl. I told her it as a secret and within minutes my entire family, including 2 older brothers had been told that there littlest wants to be a girl. I have never spoken openly about it again. Well until now, and this doesn't really count!
If I were to trace my gender confusion it has popped up here and there in subtle ways. I remember a teacher at school saying that I was quite feminine, which looking back was quite a sweet thing to say. As it was in-front of my teenage peers and all I wanted to do was fit in with my class, at the time not so much! I have always got on with other females so much so I was often referred to as an 'honorary girl' in a number of all female offices I have worked in. Something I always held as a point of pride.
I suppose I have not always known that this is the issue I have. I read about others who have always known something is wrong and as soon as they realised what they have know for certain what it is. I wish I had that level of understanding of myself, maybe one day I will. It is one of the reasons I even logged on to this site.
I guess I will leave it there for now. reading it back it is a bit of a confused and over thought mess. That seems somehow fitting as I can at least relate to it! If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Hugs and kisses.
Anyway. I am currently not sure under which category I sit, I guess that is partly the point! In my profile I mark that MTF transgender seems like the best fit. Some days I feel so far from being a female that I seem to doubt even that and maybe I am just a freaking weirdo!
For ease of understanding I guess MTF is an easy shorthand. This is mainly because if I could change my sex tomorrow I would and deal with the fall out as it comes. I know that wont happen so I internalise the struggle between my female life I desire and the male one I have and generally tie myself in knots.
Bit of background info. I am in my late 30s, I live in the UK, I have a job which I love and most importantly, no one in my life knows anything of my struggle with my transgender issues. In my life I present totally as a male despite how I feel when I am alone with myself.
Suppression of my female when I am amongst people has become a second nature to me. I am not sure where this began, but I do recall a very distinct moment in my life when I told my mother I wish I had been born a girl. I told her it as a secret and within minutes my entire family, including 2 older brothers had been told that there littlest wants to be a girl. I have never spoken openly about it again. Well until now, and this doesn't really count!
If I were to trace my gender confusion it has popped up here and there in subtle ways. I remember a teacher at school saying that I was quite feminine, which looking back was quite a sweet thing to say. As it was in-front of my teenage peers and all I wanted to do was fit in with my class, at the time not so much! I have always got on with other females so much so I was often referred to as an 'honorary girl' in a number of all female offices I have worked in. Something I always held as a point of pride.
I suppose I have not always known that this is the issue I have. I read about others who have always known something is wrong and as soon as they realised what they have know for certain what it is. I wish I had that level of understanding of myself, maybe one day I will. It is one of the reasons I even logged on to this site.
I guess I will leave it there for now. reading it back it is a bit of a confused and over thought mess. That seems somehow fitting as I can at least relate to it! If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Hugs and kisses.
Replies
Just the fact of being transgender is veyr confusing. I went through a double confusing time as a child. First confusing thing I went through was when I thought I was straight, then all the sudden I was liking boys, I didn\'t accept that I was bi-sexual till I was 18.
When I was 14, I was playing dolls with the neighbor girl, so as far back as I can remember I have always had some kind of girlishness about me, I just never understood what it was. By the time I was 20 I heard of drag queens.
But IMO, there is a huge difference between a drag queen who does it for money to put on a show, and a transgender person who does it cause they were meant to be the other sex. Now, it wasn\'t till I was 30 then I began dealing with my transgender issues. So yeah, some people know when their 5, and some of us know when were in our 20\'s 30\'s.
Many of us have faced the same battles as you, don\'t be afraid to talk about this in the transgender forum, chances are you will get more support there. I am so glad that you have had many girlish experiences, I have only had a couple. The one time when I was 14 playing with dolls, and then when I was 16, a girl put me in a dress and put on lipstick lol
I don\'t have any girl friends now sorry to say, so I have nobody to help me with style, makeup, clothes, I\'m pretty alone except for the fact I live with my brother. Its funny, I hated high school for the BS teachings and the bullies. But the part I liked was the friendships that you could make, if you could make them that is. I had a hard enough time of keeping them lol.
Anyways, you have my support hun, don\'t forget that, huggs. :)
Ashley