1st Christmas Without!
Rick5112/22/2017
The pressure is building, and feels almost like a physical presense. Emotions are all over the map, with little stimulus needed to set them off. Don't know how I can survive this without you Glenda.
The pressure is building, and feels almost like a physical presense. Emotions are all over the map, with little stimulus needed to set them off. Don't know how I can survive this without you Glenda.
Replies
Rick, there is no such thing as christmas failure in grief., not performance-wise. Cut yourself 100% slack.
this is my 3rd holiday season. The first 15 months after his death, my stellar health crisis debilitated my brain, on top of grief. so the whole year, but Especially christmas,- a lot of amnesia about being insane and obliterated by grief & depression. zero anything about christmas in my home or me that first year, except horrific grief. Chainsaws & axes ripping apart my mind, heart and soul.
The 2nd year, last christmas, felt like it was the first full view of christmas. nothing about christmas in my home or me. I remember more pieces of that one.
This year, nothing about christmas in my home. Again. still avoiding stores like the plague. I go there for biological survival rations. I don't want to see and hear all that atmosphere, and "Them". This year a couple minutes here & there I choose a song and feel one. usually not typical christmas songs, but I've done a couple. Mostly just comforting music for me, at home. and I will rally as best I can when the Family Day arrives.
I would feel guilty if it wasn't for knowing that to deny my grief would be an absolute failure at grieving, which is REQUIRED, not optional.
You don't see soldiers walking around stores while their guts are hanging out. No, they are getting through a process toward their unclear future. One day at a time, or less. Whatever it takes, & that's as unique as each individual.
I am only 2 years behind whatever the normal schedule might have been.
but those calendars were not given to me. These were. I'm here today.
and so are you.
So let's get through this. "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" (the theme title words actually happen in a different order, for grief"---> it's more like "The Bad, the Ugly, and (then much later) the Good (some good)".
I don't even know if that movie is familiar to Canadians?
My husbands' cell phone ringtone was the first 17 seconds of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVbvg7Nwuvo
I think it is quite christmassy. but you might have to view the youtube clip that includes film clip too.
(I did not write this today..had saved it as a draft) but just sending it today.
Today is my family gathering. and thank God I am in better shape than my horrible crisis week.
Hang in there.
Big hug,
B.
Thanks AfterMom. I know the Clint Eastwood movies well. Unfortunately my emotions are still running 0-60 in both forward and reverse, and you say I just going to have to accept it for now. My two son's are here and one fiance so that's good. Thank God the outlaws turned down my invitation. Thanks for thinking of me, and I have been wondering how it's going for you. Hope you have a good family day, and have a good Christmas.
Kind regards,
R.