anniversary....

so coming up is my 4 year anniversary.....i HATE this!!!!!!! blaming myself again, wanting it to go away.....feeling really low.....i made a list of all the questions i have and it is, litteraly, a page long...i wrote it during lunch at school....i was alone so no one saw it....it's crazy.....i'm so pissed off at myself and so angry...i feel like i could've done more to stop it and i feel like i need ot blame myself for it....i could have stopped it....my mind is just beating me up over this....i wanna self injure to punish myself for being so stupid, so weak, so scared, so dumb...so...so...so STUPID IDIOTIC AND DUMB.....i totally deserve it