blame..........

so i went to my therapist today and we discovered something very interesting....i blame myself for this rape-this isn't the interesting part-and she asked why i thought i couldn't let go and we came to this conclusion: (this is the interesting part) i can't let go of the blame because i feel like if i do, i'll put myself back in that risky situation and i'll get raped again.....it's like if i let go of the blame then i'll forget everything that i've learned and i don't wanna do that.....if words could leave a mark on you i'd probably be in the ER in the hospital....i beat myself up so bad today during therapy....and i'm still mentally doing it.....and i really wanna self injure.....i wanna punish myself for being so stupid......and i NEVER feel that way any other time of the year.....