thinking........

so i've been thinking about my rapes recently.....haven't thought about them for a looong time, so i guess it's about time i did.....i get really angry at myself for not remembering these things.....i know that i should be okay with it, but i'm not.....the thing is, i WANT to remember it all.....i don't wanna forget it or leave a part out.....but i blocked them from my mind so well that i don't really remember....i remember more of the first one-how could i forget THAT???-except one part....what did i do when he said,"what i want.." when he made up his mind to rape me.....did i run and he caught my hair??? did i freeze?? was he just too fast and grabbed me???i have no idea....my second rape i don't remember anything but where it was, what he made me do, and a big black SUV.....but his name, what he looked like....NOTHING.....it just makes me so angry sometimes!!! but whatever....father's day tomorrow....my mom and i are going up to see my dad....it should be fun!! we're spending the day ay the beach!! :)