memories..........

i keep having memories of one of my abusers today.....i keep having flashes of what happened.....when he kept pulling my hair, when he flung me on the bed....just the abuse....he never raped me, but would abuse me.....it's upsetting.....i can't believe that i let myself be treated like that.....i couldn't stop my rape b/c the rape wasn't my fault, but i feel like i could've stopped the abuse that J did to me.....i guess i wasn't strong and i guess i just lied ot myself to make it eaiser....i dunno kinda angry at myself....and i'm so ashamed that i had an affair....J was engaged.....i'm so angry and ashamed of myself....