What to do

Sitting alone again with Drexel(dog) by my side. I am debating on whether to go out to socialize tonight. My brother wants us (Wayne & I) to join him and his girlfriend and some other people to celebrate anniversaries of a few couples. Haven't decided if I want to go for a few reasons. Some of these people didn't even acknowledge the passing of my Father, offered no support of any type, and if I decide to drink a few my "courage in a bottle" may cause me to say a lot that I would not otherwise say. Wayne and my brother at one time, were best buds but they only tolerate each other now. I try to keep the peace but my brother drinks a lot and Wayne no longer drinks. I am afraid that one day, they will have an altercation and I will be forced to choose sides. That would be impossible and I don't want to be placed in that position. I am staying in my house practically 24/7 but, without a job, and unable to visit Mr. Lindsay,  there is nothing I need, nowhere I want to go so, I see no need to leave except to visit my neighbor. I have cleaned and organized my house so much, until I'm  tired of doing that. I went to a support group Thursday night but all we talked about were snakes, storms and never focussed on bereavement. I will go again even though besides being around people and talking, it did very little in the way of helping with the main issue. As I have been writing this, I received the unfortunate phone calling letting me know that my Dad's former roomate, at the nursing home, Mr. Lindsay is being kept comfortable during his remaining time with us. As I was crying, Wayne came home and made a remark about how I was more upset now than I was when my Father passed. Did he not remember that I was on medication before, during and after my Father's death? Because of the meds., I don't even recall all of the things happening then. Also each time I lose someone dear to me, it tends to multiply the intensity. My emotions are running rampid...I am angry, hurt, confused and desperate for an understanding person to confide in. I have many questions, very few answers, and do not know where to turn. Sometimes I just want to say screw it all and give up but, my positve side says, "don't do that". We'll see who wins... I'm in limbo, searching for my purpose of being. My insides are in knots. Everything and nothing is aggravating me. Do I snap and see what happens? I already know I will be sorry if I start destoying my belongings so, I'm holding on for a rough and rocky ride, trying to maintain, taking a lot of deep breaths, counting, etc., whatever it takes to stay in control. I feel like a fool sometimes for thinking that anyone other than my animals need me. It's hard to think differently when I have recently witnessed the truth. At least I can say my "family and friends" did not surprise me. They did exactly as I had expected...nothing. I would have loved a pleasant surprise, some open arms, someone to talk to, or just to be near. That was not to be and here we are, back at square one. I am slowly convincing myself that I do not matter except to be a dumping ground for everyone else's cruel, insensitive words. I'm having possibly imaginary pains and symptoms, and wonder if I am to join my Daddy, Mama, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends soon. My mind only briefly wanders away from death. I feel trapped! I can't depend on anyone but myself so, it's either dig out of this rut or go down without putting up a good fight. This cannot be the "me" that I seem to have become! I am now my own worst enemy.