Wow
Things have gone from bad to worse! Yesterday was a binge day......apparently his therapist told him that an occasional day of drinking ,say , every two weeks or so was not necessarily a bad thing. We are SUNK.
So he drank, I tried not to REACT, but I reacted, he pushed my buttons, I REACTED. The usual shit. And although I am we'll aware that I should never attempt a conversation with him while drunk ( and he was very drunk, angry,defiant, belligerent. More so than usual). So he drank ...I reacted...... All my fault.
What I did hear was earth shattering, and probably the truth. He has had it with me for trying to control his drinking, ( and I am, God forgive me, I try and try not to react, but have recently noted how he draws me in to an argument . I must stop this, for MYSELF). So I apologized for hurting him in that way, and for any of my words/behaviors that he feels have led him to drink.
He "is not ready" for AA, he does it for me and he hates it. He is does not want to stop drinking, and says that he will begin to have his drinks at social functions and when we go out to dinner. This will make him normal. Okay....... Time the first step I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS DRINKING and let me add the second step as well.....handing him over to GOD.
I will work on these steps zealously. I have asked him to move permanently out of the bedroom. I am seriously considering divorce , he is pushing the boundaries.
This morning..... The silent treatment........I once again SINCERELY offered apologies for my outbursts when reacting, trying to find a way for him to maintain some dignity. Still being punished.
There is great grief in the ending of a marriage, I have been afraid of facing that pain, now is the time..... I m already in great pain, so how much worse can it get?
He wants me to "just love him for who and what he is" A tall order when you consider what an alcoholic has to offer back.
I pulled out his 12 step book.....and the big book........bindings have never been opened :( I will read them. And apply them to myself.
I need to get out from under this madness. As I have said before, he has free will, but he cannot choose for me. Now I have some really hard work to do.
So he drank, I tried not to REACT, but I reacted, he pushed my buttons, I REACTED. The usual shit. And although I am we'll aware that I should never attempt a conversation with him while drunk ( and he was very drunk, angry,defiant, belligerent. More so than usual). So he drank ...I reacted...... All my fault.
What I did hear was earth shattering, and probably the truth. He has had it with me for trying to control his drinking, ( and I am, God forgive me, I try and try not to react, but have recently noted how he draws me in to an argument . I must stop this, for MYSELF). So I apologized for hurting him in that way, and for any of my words/behaviors that he feels have led him to drink.
He "is not ready" for AA, he does it for me and he hates it. He is does not want to stop drinking, and says that he will begin to have his drinks at social functions and when we go out to dinner. This will make him normal. Okay....... Time the first step I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HIS DRINKING and let me add the second step as well.....handing him over to GOD.
I will work on these steps zealously. I have asked him to move permanently out of the bedroom. I am seriously considering divorce , he is pushing the boundaries.
This morning..... The silent treatment........I once again SINCERELY offered apologies for my outbursts when reacting, trying to find a way for him to maintain some dignity. Still being punished.
There is great grief in the ending of a marriage, I have been afraid of facing that pain, now is the time..... I m already in great pain, so how much worse can it get?
He wants me to "just love him for who and what he is" A tall order when you consider what an alcoholic has to offer back.
I pulled out his 12 step book.....and the big book........bindings have never been opened :( I will read them. And apply them to myself.
I need to get out from under this madness. As I have said before, he has free will, but he cannot choose for me. Now I have some really hard work to do.
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