Overwhelmed
I am beginning to feel an overwhelming sense of despair regarding my husband's status. Not only is the addiction issue clearly only superficially addressed by him ( and I think only to try to trick me ) but his health and emotional situations are big and getting bigger.
i need to explore the DS support groups for not only addiction but chronic illness, depression, and mental illness!!!!! The realization that physical and emotional health is just not going to happen for this man. Sobriety is not going to happen. A return to being a viable partner is not happening with him. Seventeen years after a diagnosis of type two diabetes he is yet learn compliance. his depression is enormous, yet he lies to all those professionals who are there to help him. I am not saying these things in anger, just in very sad resignation. Now I just have to figure out what to do. He has built walls so wide and tall around his heart that there is no way in and no way out. To see his pain is heartbreaking.
I am trying to find a way of kind and sympathetic detachment. Support groups and therapy are wonderful, and I could not find my way alone, and yet I do stand alone in my actions when in my home and directly facing the problems. This is the moment I was dreading, but knew would eventually get here. I have done all I can, I have done my best. It is time to really let go. I put the outcome in God's hands.
it is funny, though, that in this moment after all this time, the feeling of calm and release that accompanies this surrender.
i need to explore the DS support groups for not only addiction but chronic illness, depression, and mental illness!!!!! The realization that physical and emotional health is just not going to happen for this man. Sobriety is not going to happen. A return to being a viable partner is not happening with him. Seventeen years after a diagnosis of type two diabetes he is yet learn compliance. his depression is enormous, yet he lies to all those professionals who are there to help him. I am not saying these things in anger, just in very sad resignation. Now I just have to figure out what to do. He has built walls so wide and tall around his heart that there is no way in and no way out. To see his pain is heartbreaking.
I am trying to find a way of kind and sympathetic detachment. Support groups and therapy are wonderful, and I could not find my way alone, and yet I do stand alone in my actions when in my home and directly facing the problems. This is the moment I was dreading, but knew would eventually get here. I have done all I can, I have done my best. It is time to really let go. I put the outcome in God's hands.
it is funny, though, that in this moment after all this time, the feeling of calm and release that accompanies this surrender.
Replies
((((HUGS))) Oh dear, I cannot imagine having to deal with what you are. I can say that it really gives me ALOT of insight into what I put my husband through in my 10 years of drinking. The guilt, pain and anguish I carry from doing that to him is well...there are no words to express it. I think my husband could have written what you have. Fortunately for me though, I was able to pull myself out of it. ALOT of hard work, time, a few relapses but I made it. I made it and to look back at the path of destruction I left with clear eyes is so very painful. But, he deserves that. He stuck by me when nobody else would have or could have. I could tell though that after 10 years, I was going to lose him and that it I HAD to get better. I had tried before but always failed but when I finally did it for me, it worked! :)) Thank you for sharing your pain though, it helps me to understand what he must have gone through and reminds me how precious my sobriety is and will always be. It was a second chance at life.
Maybe you taking steps will make him see things finally?? I know when my husband started changing things I noticed and pretty quick.
Your strength is amazing and I can tell you are just a wonderful person. Bless your heart for dealing with all you have for so long. Ironically I am on the receiving end of this awful disease from my own mother and sister. I am trying to stand my ground and keep my boundaries but it is so hard when they can make me feel so bad for doing it. I never realized how BAD it can be :(
I really got a lot from your post though today and reading this entry. I am at home alone and when I got the nasty text from my mother I just sat and cried, and cried and my poor 2.5 year old son has no idea why...poor little guy. BUT, I got him down for a nap, jumped on here and am SO glad I did. Thank you so much, you helped someone out here today sharing your strength :)
I totally identify. It\'s like you had this vision of who you were married to but during/after active addiction, you just can\'t tell whether that person is left or was really totally there. The lying (or leaving out details) to professionals only makes it worse. My person got a mental illness diagnosis, but the symptoms match the symptoms of addiction so are they an addict who looks mentally ill or an addict who IS mentally ill or became mentally ill by putting all that stuff through their brain? And how can you ever get an answer to any of your worries or thoughts if there isn\'t honesty? Anyway, for what it\'s worth, you have my support however you proceed. I know you\'ve worked really hard to deal with this for a long time.