rant
my last journal entry was titled one day at a time.... well this is a bad day!!!! the whole bullshitty situation is under my skin this afternoon. as per his usual track record of about 2-3 weeks tops for good choices, (or probably truer : two weeks before he cannot control his hiding behavior techniques). we made it almost three weeks before he got caught. bleh.
here is the sordid tale: i was supposed to work until 4:00 which gets me home approx 4:20. he had a AA meeting about 45 minute drive at 4:00 so he would have to leave about 3:15. lo and behold i was able to leave early and got home a few minutes before 3:00 to find him sleeping (?????) on the couch. so soundly that i could not easily awaken him. ( poor doggie dying to be let out) then he wakes up quite slurry, face a bit swollen, clearly under the influence of something. tells me it is probably his blood sugar but that he has no time to check it or he will be late for AA . i made him check and it was normal. (he would have slept through the meeting if i did not come home).......any way, he didn't expect me home early, so he thought he would be clearer by the end of the meeting??? who goes to AA stoned? is he really going to the meeting?????
i found myself searching his old hiding places, but stopped!!!!! that is visiting crazy.
i suspect he is taking tranquilizers since he can easily get them from his physician. also he had a minor medical proceedure on his back 2 weeks ago and the discharge papers indicated that the doctor gave him a script for vicodan, he and the discharge nurse both signed the paper but he said he refused to take it and left the script on the counter. What an idiot, did he forget that i am a RN and i am aware that this would be documented? i called him on it but he so denied it. i didn't bother to follow up in any way.
i think he honestly wants to stop this craziness, but just cannot. that being said it is still...... (i am stuck for a word here). i just don't want to deal any more, i can't muster the perkiness for make believe, and there is absolutely NO trust left. so what is the use??? if i am learning that i am responsible for my own behavior, happiness, strengths, and quality of life, then so should he. i am tired of holding him up and being "nice". so that maybe he can find his own inner peace? no! no! no it hasnt worked for all these years what makes me think it will work now? therapy? AA? CHURCH?????
i surrender.
here is the sordid tale: i was supposed to work until 4:00 which gets me home approx 4:20. he had a AA meeting about 45 minute drive at 4:00 so he would have to leave about 3:15. lo and behold i was able to leave early and got home a few minutes before 3:00 to find him sleeping (?????) on the couch. so soundly that i could not easily awaken him. ( poor doggie dying to be let out) then he wakes up quite slurry, face a bit swollen, clearly under the influence of something. tells me it is probably his blood sugar but that he has no time to check it or he will be late for AA . i made him check and it was normal. (he would have slept through the meeting if i did not come home).......any way, he didn't expect me home early, so he thought he would be clearer by the end of the meeting??? who goes to AA stoned? is he really going to the meeting?????
i found myself searching his old hiding places, but stopped!!!!! that is visiting crazy.
i suspect he is taking tranquilizers since he can easily get them from his physician. also he had a minor medical proceedure on his back 2 weeks ago and the discharge papers indicated that the doctor gave him a script for vicodan, he and the discharge nurse both signed the paper but he said he refused to take it and left the script on the counter. What an idiot, did he forget that i am a RN and i am aware that this would be documented? i called him on it but he so denied it. i didn't bother to follow up in any way.
i think he honestly wants to stop this craziness, but just cannot. that being said it is still...... (i am stuck for a word here). i just don't want to deal any more, i can't muster the perkiness for make believe, and there is absolutely NO trust left. so what is the use??? if i am learning that i am responsible for my own behavior, happiness, strengths, and quality of life, then so should he. i am tired of holding him up and being "nice". so that maybe he can find his own inner peace? no! no! no it hasnt worked for all these years what makes me think it will work now? therapy? AA? CHURCH?????
i surrender.
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