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Have found myself not even motivated to put thoughts together in a journal entry. Due to financial entanglements and the fact that i freakin" refuse to lower my standard of living (which is modest at best) i have decided to explore with my therapist's assist an Attitude of peaceful co-existence and "emotional divorce".  sadly, it seems my husband does not even notice. at first this upset me but i have come to think it is for the best, since it keeps him off my back and still, since he is retired (on disability) i can still request household chores, so he food shops, meal plans, does some cleaning, IRONS, fills my car, etc.  these tasks take a load off me since i work a long hard day caring for needy children as a school nurse.  i have detached as best i can for now from his misery emotional and physical.... if i come home and he is drunk/stoned/ ocd/ whatever.....so what ? i just move on with my life. if he is drunk on the floor i will step over him and be careful not to slip in the vomit. (this last sentence is an exaggeration, but illustrates my attitude). lately we have had some conversations where he has let slip some of the ways he views me , blames me still, and is incomplete denial of any responsibility for the dying of a relationship.  heartbreaking as it may seem superficially: it is a gift since it strengthens my resolve and validates my suspicions.
simply put:he has remained a self centered child, and i have grown up.
he thinks he is perfect and has no work to do.. i am aware of my shortcomings and emotional baggage and am working hard to improve .
i am to tired to try with him any more.