Today
Hooray today I found that I can write my journal on my iPad which is by my side night and day and has been my best friend since this nightmare began.
I know I have written on here about feeling OK but now mostly I just feel empty. I am just aware of this horrible nagging hole in my soul where I used to know my son was alive and well. Every day now and every waking hour I just feel this empty feeling and pain knowing he is gone. Oh how I wish I had a recording of his voice as I am terrified that in 1, 2, 5 , 10 years time I will not be able to remember his saying Hi Mom.
When I look at his picture there is an overwhelming disconnect between my intelligent mind which knows he is gone and my other brain which cannot comprehend it. I thi k one of the main challenges with a suicide is how to handle the images that one conjures up of our loved ones last minutes on this earth. Was he scared? How could he go through with it. I don't want to picture his lying in a field in the dark with a bag over his head. My beautiful son. It is such a horrible death. Thank God I did not have to find his body as some have to. Imjust don't want to be haunted by these thoughts but it is almost impossible not to let them creep into your mind.
If he had died from disease or accident I wouldn't have all the questions and guilt. I would still have the pain but acceptance would be easier. The fact that HE chose to end his life in a cold calculated manner where he had planned it and gone out the day befor and purchased what he needed to do it. I just can't imagine how he went through with it. He had all that time why couldn't he have given me one last phone call or written me a letter.
I can only try and imagine that he is not dead but just gone away to a far off land where they do not have phone or email. I look at all his baby and school pictures and feel so sad, he was such a happy child.
It is hard knowing that this is a life sentence and every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life I will have this scar in my heart and soul.
I am so grateful that I had him for 23 years but so so sad he is gone. Life has no meaning now but I guess the goal is to find a new meaning. It is going to be a long hard road ahead.
I know I have written on here about feeling OK but now mostly I just feel empty. I am just aware of this horrible nagging hole in my soul where I used to know my son was alive and well. Every day now and every waking hour I just feel this empty feeling and pain knowing he is gone. Oh how I wish I had a recording of his voice as I am terrified that in 1, 2, 5 , 10 years time I will not be able to remember his saying Hi Mom.
When I look at his picture there is an overwhelming disconnect between my intelligent mind which knows he is gone and my other brain which cannot comprehend it. I thi k one of the main challenges with a suicide is how to handle the images that one conjures up of our loved ones last minutes on this earth. Was he scared? How could he go through with it. I don't want to picture his lying in a field in the dark with a bag over his head. My beautiful son. It is such a horrible death. Thank God I did not have to find his body as some have to. Imjust don't want to be haunted by these thoughts but it is almost impossible not to let them creep into your mind.
If he had died from disease or accident I wouldn't have all the questions and guilt. I would still have the pain but acceptance would be easier. The fact that HE chose to end his life in a cold calculated manner where he had planned it and gone out the day befor and purchased what he needed to do it. I just can't imagine how he went through with it. He had all that time why couldn't he have given me one last phone call or written me a letter.
I can only try and imagine that he is not dead but just gone away to a far off land where they do not have phone or email. I look at all his baby and school pictures and feel so sad, he was such a happy child.
It is hard knowing that this is a life sentence and every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life I will have this scar in my heart and soul.
I am so grateful that I had him for 23 years but so so sad he is gone. Life has no meaning now but I guess the goal is to find a new meaning. It is going to be a long hard road ahead.
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