OK?
I'm feeling OK, not happy, not sad just OK. I guess this is amazing since it has only been 5 weeks since i lost Toby. God has it only been 5 weeks - it feels like a lifetime ago.
For the first 3 weeks I was in shock - I was functioning so well everyone was astounded. I live 350 miles away from where my son died, so on the 3rd day I had to drive up and see where he died, see his body in the mortuary (although I was not brave enough to look at his face), arrange his funeral and meet all his friends. I was given his clothes by the funeral home in a garbage bag, they had cut off his undershorts. It was tough. I stayed with my brother who was amazing but we are not and never have been close.
Week 2 I came home as the funeral was the following week. I had the chimney swept, I went to the dentist and went to the hospital to have an endoscopy which I was originally due to have the day after Toby went away.
I went to see a puppy, then went out shopping with a friend and had lunch. The following week I drove the 350 miles again and stayed in a hotel near the crematorium. I decided to have the funeral where he died so all his friends could go. This time I went to see Toby in his casket, dressed in the new clothes I bought him and I was really brave and looked at his face. I placed a book and a card and a white teddy in the casket. His face didn't look bad, but I will always remember his finger nails were all black. I kissed him and smelled death, but I was so proud of myself for being so brave - I did this all on my own.
I then went to the University where he studied and revisited all the places I used to meet him. I went to see one of his tutors and I just broke down.
The next day was the funeral and it was as amazing and wonderful as it could have been. There was so much love in that place, I just couldn't understand how Toby could have left so many people that loved him. He wasn't living a lonely unloved life?
The day I drove home, I had to meet the policeman who had attended the scene and he returned to me the belongings found with Toby and talked me through how he did it because I wanted to know. I them drove 350 miles with a suitcase in the back of my car with the remains of the bottle of vodka he had drunk. I really don't know how I did all this.
Of course I would break down and cry periodically but always when I was alone, never in front of anyone. I had my diazepam to help me sleep.
Weeks 4 and 5 I went through phases of having suicidal thoughts myself and then anger with Toby, then deep depression. At the end of week 5 I realised I had a 3 choices 1) Follow Toby to heaven 2) Lead a sad, miserable life in such pain every day 3) Find peace and acceptance and strive to have the best life I can possibly have now.
I chose option 3, but it is hard. I feel reasonably OK, I am eating, sleeping and I got the new puppy so I have to get up and take her out, feed her and play with her - she needs me.
I feel that I should be more devastated, I think I may be just blocking out the thought that my son is gone and i will never see him, hug him, hear him or talk to him ever again. My logical brain knows that whatever I do or think nothing will change what has happened.
I could really relate to another journal I read where someone said - I can't believe this had happened in my life - we think tragedy only happens to other people that we see on the news or read in the newspaper. How could this happen to me.
From being on this site I realise many, many thousands and millions of people experience tragedy. It is part of life. I would never have chosen to be living with this but I couldn't control my son - he was 23. I can't control my Dad having cancer and being miserable and incontinent and I can't abandon him, but I can control my life.
I now have to find a new path, no one said being a parent was going to be easy. I chose to have Toby and I was there for him every step of the way, apart from at the end, but he left this world with no doubt that I loved him more than life itself.
So I feel OK and will get on with my life as best I can, I just pray I have the strength and wisdom to accept my loss and find a way to help others and live a good meaningful life.
For the first 3 weeks I was in shock - I was functioning so well everyone was astounded. I live 350 miles away from where my son died, so on the 3rd day I had to drive up and see where he died, see his body in the mortuary (although I was not brave enough to look at his face), arrange his funeral and meet all his friends. I was given his clothes by the funeral home in a garbage bag, they had cut off his undershorts. It was tough. I stayed with my brother who was amazing but we are not and never have been close.
Week 2 I came home as the funeral was the following week. I had the chimney swept, I went to the dentist and went to the hospital to have an endoscopy which I was originally due to have the day after Toby went away.
I went to see a puppy, then went out shopping with a friend and had lunch. The following week I drove the 350 miles again and stayed in a hotel near the crematorium. I decided to have the funeral where he died so all his friends could go. This time I went to see Toby in his casket, dressed in the new clothes I bought him and I was really brave and looked at his face. I placed a book and a card and a white teddy in the casket. His face didn't look bad, but I will always remember his finger nails were all black. I kissed him and smelled death, but I was so proud of myself for being so brave - I did this all on my own.
I then went to the University where he studied and revisited all the places I used to meet him. I went to see one of his tutors and I just broke down.
The next day was the funeral and it was as amazing and wonderful as it could have been. There was so much love in that place, I just couldn't understand how Toby could have left so many people that loved him. He wasn't living a lonely unloved life?
The day I drove home, I had to meet the policeman who had attended the scene and he returned to me the belongings found with Toby and talked me through how he did it because I wanted to know. I them drove 350 miles with a suitcase in the back of my car with the remains of the bottle of vodka he had drunk. I really don't know how I did all this.
Of course I would break down and cry periodically but always when I was alone, never in front of anyone. I had my diazepam to help me sleep.
Weeks 4 and 5 I went through phases of having suicidal thoughts myself and then anger with Toby, then deep depression. At the end of week 5 I realised I had a 3 choices 1) Follow Toby to heaven 2) Lead a sad, miserable life in such pain every day 3) Find peace and acceptance and strive to have the best life I can possibly have now.
I chose option 3, but it is hard. I feel reasonably OK, I am eating, sleeping and I got the new puppy so I have to get up and take her out, feed her and play with her - she needs me.
I feel that I should be more devastated, I think I may be just blocking out the thought that my son is gone and i will never see him, hug him, hear him or talk to him ever again. My logical brain knows that whatever I do or think nothing will change what has happened.
I could really relate to another journal I read where someone said - I can't believe this had happened in my life - we think tragedy only happens to other people that we see on the news or read in the newspaper. How could this happen to me.
From being on this site I realise many, many thousands and millions of people experience tragedy. It is part of life. I would never have chosen to be living with this but I couldn't control my son - he was 23. I can't control my Dad having cancer and being miserable and incontinent and I can't abandon him, but I can control my life.
I now have to find a new path, no one said being a parent was going to be easy. I chose to have Toby and I was there for him every step of the way, apart from at the end, but he left this world with no doubt that I loved him more than life itself.
So I feel OK and will get on with my life as best I can, I just pray I have the strength and wisdom to accept my loss and find a way to help others and live a good meaningful life.
Replies
I looked at those same three choices for my own life. I knew for me there was only one answer, to LIVE. It hasn\'t been easy and there have been lots of times I thought I\'d just loose it all even after deciding to LIVE...it\'s all part of the rollercoaster of emotions that come with losing a child. I do think my determination to survive and to actually enjoy life again one day is the driving force behind my \"success\".
Thank you for taking us with you as your revisit these past weeks. I can relate so well, as we all can, to the deep emotions, the shock, the busy-ness, the pain and the resolve to do the best we can. I stand with you my friend as one who is determined to enjoy life again and who is simply doing the best I can. This first year will bring many moments of pain as you face all those \"first\". Just hold on knowing you can and you will get through each of them and we are all here to love you every step of the way. Hugging you tight my dear friend, Teri.
OK is good enough my friend. Easing along this path that none of us remember signing up for and doing our best is all that can be asked. Three steps forward, two steps back some days yet never, ever where we were on that tragic day. Remembering this has been so helpful for me, I am glad to hear that you are experiencing some pockets of peace and your loss is still so raw and fresh. Please continue to take gentle care and I appreciate your journal so much. It takes courage to write yet in the writing and the sharing comes the healing. Love and hugs, Joanie
You have such a wonderful attitude about your circumstances. I pray you will get stronger and more determined each new day but do be prepared...as good as you can feel today...tomorrow will bring a whole new set of emotions...you will deal with this every single day that you live. As for me, I could not get through this without my faith in God. He is the only way to true peace about death here and life There.
I have had losses in my life but never something like the suicide of my youngest, my only son...my sweetheart. He too, had many who loved him and yet, when it came down to it...it was not about \"not being\" loved...it was so much more. Can we ever know what goes on in the minds of others? Even those to whom we feel the closest? A life long mystery of no answers is what I have concluded. I pray for you and ask God to give you His complete comfort and peace...and always His refuge. Much love and admiration...dale, brandon\'s mom
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I pray my faith in God will get stronger through this experience and I will feel closer to Him and stay close to Toby wherever he lives now.
This is such an honest journal. I really admire you. I still remember seeing Michael in his casket--he looked absolutely beautiful--he was quite a handsome young man and his pictures don\'t do him justice. I remember how nice and straight is nose looked-- and his thick, beautiful hair at an age when many of his friends were already balding-- makes you realize how superficial looks really are--we used to joke about the fact that he got the best hair and nose in the family...and it was all lying there in a box , ready to be cremated after the service. I touched his arm, wanting somehow to give him one last hug, but his arm felt like cement, and I pulled away. That was when I knew my boy was really gone. MY boy was soft. I knew then it was really true.
Our boys started making their journies to Heaven a few seconds after they took their last breaths. By the time we saw them in their caskets they\'d been long gone. Those were just empty bodies we saw and touched. The world can break their bodies, for a variety of reasons, but nothing can ever truly kill their spirits. I know that Mike\'s spirit is still alive. Dale know\'s That Brandon\'s is alive. Ask Teri--She will tell you that Kala is VERY much alive! I think most of the moms here have had experiences that tell them their kids\' spirits are alive and well. I think you have a tremendously positive attitude and can go forward with your life knowing that Toby is most definitely going on with his in a positive way, too. Love, Cherie
OK is amazingly wonderful at this stage. My son Jason took his own life too. I\'m OK now too, most of the time. Sometimes I\'m not OK and cry till my shirt is wet. Sometimes I actually feel peaceful. Sending you love and prayers for continuing peace in your heart. Toby is still with you, Terry
Reading your journal has taken me back to Mikes funneral. Rembering Katelyn who was 3 or 4 at the time wanting to go see Daddy Mike, Tara called the funeral home and the lady made arrangements for them. Katelyn had a stool to stand on to see into the casket she read him a story he always read to her, she told him about her day (like she use to) when she was done kissed him goodbye and told him to behave just like he use to tell her.... She has delt with this better then adults. She is now 6 and still wants her mom to make things like daddy Mike. He was a sou-chef boy could he create food. Tara said she cannot cook to save her life.
I pray each day you will find strength to keep going, It is a very rockey journey we are all on now..
Hugs Penny
Katelyn sounds amazing. What a comfort she must be. I am so proud of myself for going to see Toby dressed in the new shirt I had bought him. I didn\'t want him going in the shirt he had on when he died. How wonderful that Katelyn keeps Mike in your thoughts. I want to talk about Toby all the time but there is no one to listen so I talk about him in my mind