OK?
I'm feeling OK, not happy, not sad just OK. I guess this is amazing since it has only been 5 weeks since i lost Toby. God has it only been 5 weeks - it feels like a lifetime ago.
For the first 3 weeks I was in shock - I was functioning so well everyone was astounded. I live 350 miles away from where my son died, so on the 3rd day I had to drive up and see where he died, see his body in the mortuary (although I was not brave enough to look at his face), arrange his funeral and meet all his friends. I was given his clothes by the funeral home in a garbage bag, they had cut off his undershorts. It was tough. I stayed with my brother who was amazing but we are not and never have been close.
Week 2 I came home as the funeral was the following week. I had the chimney swept, I went to the dentist and went to the hospital to have an endoscopy which I was originally due to have the day after Toby went away.
I went to see a puppy, then went out shopping with a friend and had lunch. The following week I drove the 350 miles again and stayed in a hotel near the crematorium. I decided to have the funeral where he died so all his friends could go. This time I went to see Toby in his casket, dressed in the new clothes I bought him and I was really brave and looked at his face. I placed a book and a card and a white teddy in the casket. His face didn't look bad, but I will always remember his finger nails were all black. I kissed him and smelled death, but I was so proud of myself for being so brave - I did this all on my own.
I then went to the University where he studied and revisited all the places I used to meet him. I went to see one of his tutors and I just broke down.
The next day was the funeral and it was as amazing and wonderful as it could have been. There was so much love in that place, I just couldn't understand how Toby could have left so many people that loved him. He wasn't living a lonely unloved life?
The day I drove home, I had to meet the policeman who had attended the scene and he returned to me the belongings found with Toby and talked me through how he did it because I wanted to know. I them drove 350 miles with a suitcase in the back of my car with the remains of the bottle of vodka he had drunk. I really don't know how I did all this.
Of course I would break down and cry periodically but always when I was alone, never in front of anyone. I had my diazepam to help me sleep.
Weeks 4 and 5 I went through phases of having suicidal thoughts myself and then anger with Toby, then deep depression. At the end of week 5 I realised I had a 3 choices 1) Follow Toby to heaven 2) Lead a sad, miserable life in such pain every day 3) Find peace and acceptance and strive to have the best life I can possibly have now.
I chose option 3, but it is hard. I feel reasonably OK, I am eating, sleeping and I got the new puppy so I have to get up and take her out, feed her and play with her - she needs me.
I feel that I should be more devastated, I think I may be just blocking out the thought that my son is gone and i will never see him, hug him, hear him or talk to him ever again. My logical brain knows that whatever I do or think nothing will change what has happened.
I could really relate to another journal I read where someone said - I can't believe this had happened in my life - we think tragedy only happens to other people that we see on the news or read in the newspaper. How could this happen to me.
From being on this site I realise many, many thousands and millions of people experience tragedy. It is part of life. I would never have chosen to be living with this but I couldn't control my son - he was 23. I can't control my Dad having cancer and being miserable and incontinent and I can't abandon him, but I can control my life.
I now have to find a new path, no one said being a parent was going to be easy. I chose to have Toby and I was there for him every step of the way, apart from at the end, but he left this world with no doubt that I loved him more than life itself.
So I feel OK and will get on with my life as best I can, I just pray I have the strength and wisdom to accept my loss and find a way to help others and live a good meaningful life.
For the first 3 weeks I was in shock - I was functioning so well everyone was astounded. I live 350 miles away from where my son died, so on the 3rd day I had to drive up and see where he died, see his body in the mortuary (although I was not brave enough to look at his face), arrange his funeral and meet all his friends. I was given his clothes by the funeral home in a garbage bag, they had cut off his undershorts. It was tough. I stayed with my brother who was amazing but we are not and never have been close.
Week 2 I came home as the funeral was the following week. I had the chimney swept, I went to the dentist and went to the hospital to have an endoscopy which I was originally due to have the day after Toby went away.
I went to see a puppy, then went out shopping with a friend and had lunch. The following week I drove the 350 miles again and stayed in a hotel near the crematorium. I decided to have the funeral where he died so all his friends could go. This time I went to see Toby in his casket, dressed in the new clothes I bought him and I was really brave and looked at his face. I placed a book and a card and a white teddy in the casket. His face didn't look bad, but I will always remember his finger nails were all black. I kissed him and smelled death, but I was so proud of myself for being so brave - I did this all on my own.
I then went to the University where he studied and revisited all the places I used to meet him. I went to see one of his tutors and I just broke down.
The next day was the funeral and it was as amazing and wonderful as it could have been. There was so much love in that place, I just couldn't understand how Toby could have left so many people that loved him. He wasn't living a lonely unloved life?
The day I drove home, I had to meet the policeman who had attended the scene and he returned to me the belongings found with Toby and talked me through how he did it because I wanted to know. I them drove 350 miles with a suitcase in the back of my car with the remains of the bottle of vodka he had drunk. I really don't know how I did all this.
Of course I would break down and cry periodically but always when I was alone, never in front of anyone. I had my diazepam to help me sleep.
Weeks 4 and 5 I went through phases of having suicidal thoughts myself and then anger with Toby, then deep depression. At the end of week 5 I realised I had a 3 choices 1) Follow Toby to heaven 2) Lead a sad, miserable life in such pain every day 3) Find peace and acceptance and strive to have the best life I can possibly have now.
I chose option 3, but it is hard. I feel reasonably OK, I am eating, sleeping and I got the new puppy so I have to get up and take her out, feed her and play with her - she needs me.
I feel that I should be more devastated, I think I may be just blocking out the thought that my son is gone and i will never see him, hug him, hear him or talk to him ever again. My logical brain knows that whatever I do or think nothing will change what has happened.
I could really relate to another journal I read where someone said - I can't believe this had happened in my life - we think tragedy only happens to other people that we see on the news or read in the newspaper. How could this happen to me.
From being on this site I realise many, many thousands and millions of people experience tragedy. It is part of life. I would never have chosen to be living with this but I couldn't control my son - he was 23. I can't control my Dad having cancer and being miserable and incontinent and I can't abandon him, but I can control my life.
I now have to find a new path, no one said being a parent was going to be easy. I chose to have Toby and I was there for him every step of the way, apart from at the end, but he left this world with no doubt that I loved him more than life itself.
So I feel OK and will get on with my life as best I can, I just pray I have the strength and wisdom to accept my loss and find a way to help others and live a good meaningful life.
Replies