SIGH
I'm doing better... well sorta. Can the waves of emotions get any crazier? Yep, yes they can.
My son suddenly just bought a new house and I mean suddenly. They just told me they got approved a week ago, and they moved into the new house this past weekend. And as I helped them move this weekend, I was bouncing around all over the place with a variety of emotions - happiness, sadness, jealousy to name a few. Why? Because I worked my butt off to get us our first home when I was 37 and it took a year just to find the fixer upper that was perfect. And as soon as we moved in my husband said "and so you got what you wanted" and then believed that the only reason for the house was my own greed or so he said - when actually it was because I had realized during one big snowstorm that we had paid $25,000 to our landlord and I thought we should keep the money for ourselves and save it for our retirement years and well... you know how that turned out. Yep, that was a bit of resentment too. GEES, I know how petty that sounds...
Ok, to be honest, I'm extremely happy for my son and his family. Their circumstances are TOTALLY different. Gorgeous well-kept house that used to belong to his wife's grandmother - they're buying it from the estate - and it's perfect for their family which now has grandchild #2 on the way. And in downtown Sturgis, close to her parents, no less, with lots of potential for extra income which they so desperately need. And I was so thrilled to be able to help them since it's rare that I actually get to. And they were so cute together and even when they weren't together - like the time he had me text her while he and I were still in Spearfish to tell her to quit picking up big things like he knew she was trying to help once the furniture was moved in - and of course, she ignored the message, lol. And more jealousy because David was never like that with me... And memories that brought on the sadness... them being only 28 years old, they've got things that just made me laugh and want to cry at the same time. Things that show their age... like comic book posters and toys they collect for themselves and hang all over the walls... just like David and I used to when we were that age...
Even though I'm sure it doesn't sound like it, my grief has started fading... and my son and I were able to have some good talks about David's final years as we were waiting for some help to get his boat out of the yard (a friend was coming with a different hitch). He'd been wanting to talk a long time now about it and was afraid it was too soon for me... maybe it was. But this weekend I was ready for it. It was a very good, much needed, talk.
And so they got all moved in and casually told me that they plan to transfer their jobs to Sturgis.... which means they won't need me to babysit any more once they do. Again, crazy emotions - stress and desperation as I immediately wondered how I can make excuses to go see them just as often, and also relief because it means I'll have more time to focus on the new business and take care of myself and do more camping and hiking, and then guilt because I actually think both ways...
And here comes the worry because I don't know where I'm even going to be over the next year...
And then there's my health. Something's going on and it isn't good. I got a reminder call last week to call my doctor for a follow up on my blood pressure. I hadn't been checking it - just forgot actually - and so I cancelled the appointment since I don't have health insurance but still pulled out my home blood pressure equipment so I can let my doctor know I'm ok.... and it turns out I'm not so ok. 156/110 resting. For the past 2 days. 3 times a day. WTH. It was NORMAL back in December right after the funeral. Yep, I've been stressed; yep, grief has been deep; yep I've been eating lots and lots of sugar to comfort myself (but not salt); and yep, I need to call my doctor.
And just over 40 days until race day which is now looking like it might not happen because I'm too afraid of having a heart attack by pushing myself in the training. Deep breath. I've got a phone call to make. Later.
My son suddenly just bought a new house and I mean suddenly. They just told me they got approved a week ago, and they moved into the new house this past weekend. And as I helped them move this weekend, I was bouncing around all over the place with a variety of emotions - happiness, sadness, jealousy to name a few. Why? Because I worked my butt off to get us our first home when I was 37 and it took a year just to find the fixer upper that was perfect. And as soon as we moved in my husband said "and so you got what you wanted" and then believed that the only reason for the house was my own greed or so he said - when actually it was because I had realized during one big snowstorm that we had paid $25,000 to our landlord and I thought we should keep the money for ourselves and save it for our retirement years and well... you know how that turned out. Yep, that was a bit of resentment too. GEES, I know how petty that sounds...
Ok, to be honest, I'm extremely happy for my son and his family. Their circumstances are TOTALLY different. Gorgeous well-kept house that used to belong to his wife's grandmother - they're buying it from the estate - and it's perfect for their family which now has grandchild #2 on the way. And in downtown Sturgis, close to her parents, no less, with lots of potential for extra income which they so desperately need. And I was so thrilled to be able to help them since it's rare that I actually get to. And they were so cute together and even when they weren't together - like the time he had me text her while he and I were still in Spearfish to tell her to quit picking up big things like he knew she was trying to help once the furniture was moved in - and of course, she ignored the message, lol. And more jealousy because David was never like that with me... And memories that brought on the sadness... them being only 28 years old, they've got things that just made me laugh and want to cry at the same time. Things that show their age... like comic book posters and toys they collect for themselves and hang all over the walls... just like David and I used to when we were that age...
Even though I'm sure it doesn't sound like it, my grief has started fading... and my son and I were able to have some good talks about David's final years as we were waiting for some help to get his boat out of the yard (a friend was coming with a different hitch). He'd been wanting to talk a long time now about it and was afraid it was too soon for me... maybe it was. But this weekend I was ready for it. It was a very good, much needed, talk.
And so they got all moved in and casually told me that they plan to transfer their jobs to Sturgis.... which means they won't need me to babysit any more once they do. Again, crazy emotions - stress and desperation as I immediately wondered how I can make excuses to go see them just as often, and also relief because it means I'll have more time to focus on the new business and take care of myself and do more camping and hiking, and then guilt because I actually think both ways...
And here comes the worry because I don't know where I'm even going to be over the next year...
And then there's my health. Something's going on and it isn't good. I got a reminder call last week to call my doctor for a follow up on my blood pressure. I hadn't been checking it - just forgot actually - and so I cancelled the appointment since I don't have health insurance but still pulled out my home blood pressure equipment so I can let my doctor know I'm ok.... and it turns out I'm not so ok. 156/110 resting. For the past 2 days. 3 times a day. WTH. It was NORMAL back in December right after the funeral. Yep, I've been stressed; yep, grief has been deep; yep I've been eating lots and lots of sugar to comfort myself (but not salt); and yep, I need to call my doctor.
And just over 40 days until race day which is now looking like it might not happen because I'm too afraid of having a heart attack by pushing myself in the training. Deep breath. I've got a phone call to make. Later.
Replies
go to the doctor!! keep us posted-you gotta take care of yourself :)
Do what Lori63 says!!! Go to the doctor let him tell you how to lower it in a healthy manner!! I would hate to lose you! I love your journals as they really make me think sometimes and I realize there are others out there like me!(((HUGS)))
UPDATE! Got home, let the dogs out, vacuumed, checked the bp while outside watching the cats chase bugs in the garden.... and it\'s NORMAL! High normal, but hey, seeing lower numbers was such a relief. SO, the plan (ok\'d by the doctor) is to keep doing what I\'m doing (eating better and focusing on the training - mountain biking at sunrise this morning may be the reason it\'s lower today) AND, I\'ve lost 5 pounds - 4 days before my goal date (I plan to try to lose 2 to 5 pounds every 2 to 3 weeks) YAY!
My BP is high too. 171 over 110. I\'ve been put on BP meds and I hate it. I need to start exercising again. I\'m glad to hear that your BP is normal. I hope it can stay that way. You set such good goals for yourself. I know you will keep this under control.
Look after yourself! If you don\'t, no one else will!
Resentments and triggers hit us at all sorts of times. I think it is best to just experience them, acknowledge them and then gently let them go.
I can so identify with and understand the mixed emotions and the triggers brought on by our kids lives moving on when ours seem to be stuck in a challenging situation.
It is hard as we have to learn to accept that we have less and less involvement in their lives. Especially true with sons.
The other day when I called my son in Brazil and said it would have been nice to hear from him (not having spoken to him for a month), and he couldn\'t understand what the fuss was about. They just don\'t necessarily get it, and they are so wrapped up in their own lives with their wives etc.
So pleased to hear your BP has come down somewhat again just by taking better care of what you eat. It is so tough being without medical insurance. That adds to the stress levels and so can aggravate the health issues in a way. Been there done that!
As we get older the saying of \"we are what we eat\" becomes even truer. I have found my body quickly lets me know when I have been eating too much junk or sugar etc. There is no doubt that the healthier I eat the better I feel.
I hope you manage to find your peace and happiness again soon. Take care of yourself!! ((hugs))