CHOICES.
Ok, that does it. My memory is shot, lol. After my last post, I sat thinking about choices I made, how they affected us, that "what if's" and how things might have been different....
But they're not. They're never going to be different.
I went mountain biking last Sunday after my granddaughter left. I was too tired to do the singletrack, so followed my uncle's suggestion to cross train using the Mickelson Trail by working on increasing speed and endurance on the railroad grade. I almost talked myself out of it, but didn't want to throw off my training plans by skipping...
I rode 23.8 miles in 2 1/2 hours.
When I started, the wave of grief got pretty strong again... I think it's because I haven't taken time for myself the past 2 weeks to just think. And as I rode up the hill, I got to thinking about addictions and how the reason we have addictions is because we're afraid to FEEL... and that when we stop and FEEL instead of trying to cover it up with food or alcohol or whatever thing it is we are addicted to, we begin to heal...
And so, 2 miles in, I let loose. Tears... speaking out loud to David that I had never intended to abandon him as he was dying... and the flood of feelings came... Anguish, pain, full on grief... MAN, it hurt like hell...
As I kept riding, it faded... miles later, I could feel the peace and the sun sinking into my skin. I could hear the sound of the trees whispering in the wind, listened to the birds singing, watched the deer as they raced down the trail in front of me...
As I headed back to the trailhead, the word "CHOICES" slowly came into my head...
How could I forget that? EVERYBODY has choices... I chose to leave, I chose to start over... HE CHOSE the alcohol. HE CHOSE to lie and hide. And I chose to live with what he gave until I just couldn't live with it anymore.... HE CHOSE THAT.
Stupid memory.... I KNOW THIS. And yet in the midst of the deepest feelings, I couldn't remember it. So I wrote it down as soon as I got back to the house. Post It Notes where I sit at the end of the day. So I can see it every day until it's permanently sunk in.
From now on, I'm focusing on choice I make... MY choices... not ours, not his, but MINE, because those are the only ones I'm allowed to have. And already, I'm feeling progress... getting farther with the business details, got my craft room cleaned and organized, more things fixed.... yep, CHOICES.
LATER! :)
But they're not. They're never going to be different.
I went mountain biking last Sunday after my granddaughter left. I was too tired to do the singletrack, so followed my uncle's suggestion to cross train using the Mickelson Trail by working on increasing speed and endurance on the railroad grade. I almost talked myself out of it, but didn't want to throw off my training plans by skipping...
I rode 23.8 miles in 2 1/2 hours.
When I started, the wave of grief got pretty strong again... I think it's because I haven't taken time for myself the past 2 weeks to just think. And as I rode up the hill, I got to thinking about addictions and how the reason we have addictions is because we're afraid to FEEL... and that when we stop and FEEL instead of trying to cover it up with food or alcohol or whatever thing it is we are addicted to, we begin to heal...
And so, 2 miles in, I let loose. Tears... speaking out loud to David that I had never intended to abandon him as he was dying... and the flood of feelings came... Anguish, pain, full on grief... MAN, it hurt like hell...
As I kept riding, it faded... miles later, I could feel the peace and the sun sinking into my skin. I could hear the sound of the trees whispering in the wind, listened to the birds singing, watched the deer as they raced down the trail in front of me...
As I headed back to the trailhead, the word "CHOICES" slowly came into my head...
How could I forget that? EVERYBODY has choices... I chose to leave, I chose to start over... HE CHOSE the alcohol. HE CHOSE to lie and hide. And I chose to live with what he gave until I just couldn't live with it anymore.... HE CHOSE THAT.
Stupid memory.... I KNOW THIS. And yet in the midst of the deepest feelings, I couldn't remember it. So I wrote it down as soon as I got back to the house. Post It Notes where I sit at the end of the day. So I can see it every day until it's permanently sunk in.
From now on, I'm focusing on choice I make... MY choices... not ours, not his, but MINE, because those are the only ones I'm allowed to have. And already, I'm feeling progress... getting farther with the business details, got my craft room cleaned and organized, more things fixed.... yep, CHOICES.
LATER! :)
Replies
It\'s good that you worked thru David\'s choices. They were his choices that affected you too.
Choices open doors we never thought were available to us.Choices keep life from being boring and now you can make those choices that are right for only you.
I think it just takes time to process all this stuff. You are doing well feeling the feelings and letting thoughts and emotions come.