SIGH
I'm doing too much. I know it, and I can feel it BIG TIME.
My van is still in the shop. Tomorrow makes a week. And for this whole week I've been biking it 12 to 30 miles a day around town doing errands for work and myself. This morning, all that biking caused my back to cramp up and it HURTS. My van was supposed to be done last Thursday - wasn't. Then by Saturday - wasn't. Monday, the mechanic said as I came to pick it up that the "parts were in and he'd be happy to hand them over to me to have the CAMPER PLACE install them". WTH! HE was supposed to install them per not only our initial phone call but SEVERAL meetings and discussions on what I needed AND have it READY by Monday! How in the world was I supposed to drive 30 miles one way, leave my van at the camper place unexpectedly AND get back and forth to work with just a bicycle and still have it all done by Saturday!!! I was nice though.... let's call this a BIG lesson in patience and I did WELL. I slightly panicked when he wanted to hand me the parts but then I calmed down and told him the point of calling and meeting with him was to make sure HE could do the work as agreed by this coming weekend, and if he needed another day, I'd come back. As I left though, I kept saying CRAP, CRAP, CRAP as I rode to work, lol - and cut off 10 minutes off my time with all the working out.... Went back this morning... still not done.... but got a promise TOMORROW.... and FINALLY, at 4pm today I got a call from his boss saying that it's ready - THANK GOD. And I hope it's right. Just one more 6 mile bike ride in the morning...
SIGH.
And it's not just that. I babysat my granddaughter last Saturday and got a surprise when my daughter-in-law unexpectedly told me she needs me to babysit Sundays now too starting with THAT one. Good thing I had nothing but housework planned this past weekend. But it also means I have to get up at 4am those days. UGH. But I'm doing it, getting caught up with housework as well (vacuuming and doing laundry when I'm getting breakfast ready for all my animals) not to mention dog sitting for some friends this weekend as well. Lesson learned Saturday night - don't have coffee at 3 pm and expect to sleep before 1 am that night...
SIGH.
Dog sitting and babysitting.... it was 75 degrees out this past weekend so we all hung out outdoors. I bought my granddaughter a huge bubble wand and we played with it until we'd used up all the soap. The neighbors behind me came out and started a conversation by asking if Paige was my granddaughter. I'm not too sure about these people. They are not the nicest - though they were this weekend. We had an incident years ago where they were neglecting their dog and it broke loose a few times, dug under our fence and attempted to dig through our back door at midnight because it just wanted attention. After the police came and collected it and charged them $250 for having a loose dog, they still neglected it and we didn't talk for a while and they eventually gave the dog away. Apparently I've either been forgiven or they have ulterior motives. I don't know. They asked about the privacy fence. Thought it was because my creepy neighbor and I were fighting.... I told them that nope, it was just the result of my restraining order request against him last year and that other than a dead bird dumped in my yard a week ago, it's been pretty good since. (Dead bird - he took it off the grill of his vehicle, dumped it in my snow pile at the end of my driveway. I got pissed, decided to toss it back over the fence into his yard - yeah, I know that was BAD.... using a shovel, I threw it.... and it landed in the middle of a thick bush on my side of the fence. That's what I get for being bad in return - I did dispose of it properly and not in his yard, lol...)
AND THEN she began to drop a bombshell with the words "you know, Kerry (my nasty neighbor) used to egg David (my x) on..." and I SO didn't want to know. There was more coming - more horrible stories about stuff David did and I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. The dogs started fighting with each other - protecting my granddaughter - and caused a distraction and THANK GOD because it gave me an opportunity to change the subject....
SIGH.
Oprah's Lifeclass this weekend was about "BAITERS" which is just another word for narcissists. There's been a lot of talk on Facebook about it since it aired. Lots about descriptions, lots about how it affects the spouse/partner, lots about behaviors. I read everything but almost NEVER reply. Because I'm friends with my mother-in-law, who I don't want to cause pain to, and my mother and father who both are one. That was until today. It was just a little blurp about a photo/saying. The photo/saying said "Don't you wish you could record them?" and I replied "I DID.... that's when the violence began..." UGH. Hitting the send button was like opening another door that I DIDN'T want to see... A door that showed the obvious signs that I was SO willing to ignore... more pain...
SIGH.
I don't get it. I don't get how to "recover" from this. I don't get "boundaries"... I don't get not allowing your self worth to be damaged. Having grown up with this, that's all I know! ARE there good people out there? Well, obviously that's a yes because N's FEED on good people and there are a whole lot of other victims out there. But how in the world do I attract good people into my life? And would I recognize them? Or worse, will I become an N myself because that's all I know? Or WORSE, will it just turn out to be ANOTHER ONE? Because looking back, I can see that the reason my X became so extreme as time went on was because he had SO MUCH inner pain. And now that he's gone, I still have waves of grief and pain. You know, he was the ONLY one who made me feel LOVED my entire life. And today, I could see that all of it was just an illusion. And as soon as I see that, I WONDER if I'm actually unloveable...
SIGH.
Time heals all wounds.... well, at least I can say I'm still hopeful. Later.
My van is still in the shop. Tomorrow makes a week. And for this whole week I've been biking it 12 to 30 miles a day around town doing errands for work and myself. This morning, all that biking caused my back to cramp up and it HURTS. My van was supposed to be done last Thursday - wasn't. Then by Saturday - wasn't. Monday, the mechanic said as I came to pick it up that the "parts were in and he'd be happy to hand them over to me to have the CAMPER PLACE install them". WTH! HE was supposed to install them per not only our initial phone call but SEVERAL meetings and discussions on what I needed AND have it READY by Monday! How in the world was I supposed to drive 30 miles one way, leave my van at the camper place unexpectedly AND get back and forth to work with just a bicycle and still have it all done by Saturday!!! I was nice though.... let's call this a BIG lesson in patience and I did WELL. I slightly panicked when he wanted to hand me the parts but then I calmed down and told him the point of calling and meeting with him was to make sure HE could do the work as agreed by this coming weekend, and if he needed another day, I'd come back. As I left though, I kept saying CRAP, CRAP, CRAP as I rode to work, lol - and cut off 10 minutes off my time with all the working out.... Went back this morning... still not done.... but got a promise TOMORROW.... and FINALLY, at 4pm today I got a call from his boss saying that it's ready - THANK GOD. And I hope it's right. Just one more 6 mile bike ride in the morning...
SIGH.
And it's not just that. I babysat my granddaughter last Saturday and got a surprise when my daughter-in-law unexpectedly told me she needs me to babysit Sundays now too starting with THAT one. Good thing I had nothing but housework planned this past weekend. But it also means I have to get up at 4am those days. UGH. But I'm doing it, getting caught up with housework as well (vacuuming and doing laundry when I'm getting breakfast ready for all my animals) not to mention dog sitting for some friends this weekend as well. Lesson learned Saturday night - don't have coffee at 3 pm and expect to sleep before 1 am that night...
SIGH.
Dog sitting and babysitting.... it was 75 degrees out this past weekend so we all hung out outdoors. I bought my granddaughter a huge bubble wand and we played with it until we'd used up all the soap. The neighbors behind me came out and started a conversation by asking if Paige was my granddaughter. I'm not too sure about these people. They are not the nicest - though they were this weekend. We had an incident years ago where they were neglecting their dog and it broke loose a few times, dug under our fence and attempted to dig through our back door at midnight because it just wanted attention. After the police came and collected it and charged them $250 for having a loose dog, they still neglected it and we didn't talk for a while and they eventually gave the dog away. Apparently I've either been forgiven or they have ulterior motives. I don't know. They asked about the privacy fence. Thought it was because my creepy neighbor and I were fighting.... I told them that nope, it was just the result of my restraining order request against him last year and that other than a dead bird dumped in my yard a week ago, it's been pretty good since. (Dead bird - he took it off the grill of his vehicle, dumped it in my snow pile at the end of my driveway. I got pissed, decided to toss it back over the fence into his yard - yeah, I know that was BAD.... using a shovel, I threw it.... and it landed in the middle of a thick bush on my side of the fence. That's what I get for being bad in return - I did dispose of it properly and not in his yard, lol...)
AND THEN she began to drop a bombshell with the words "you know, Kerry (my nasty neighbor) used to egg David (my x) on..." and I SO didn't want to know. There was more coming - more horrible stories about stuff David did and I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. The dogs started fighting with each other - protecting my granddaughter - and caused a distraction and THANK GOD because it gave me an opportunity to change the subject....
SIGH.
Oprah's Lifeclass this weekend was about "BAITERS" which is just another word for narcissists. There's been a lot of talk on Facebook about it since it aired. Lots about descriptions, lots about how it affects the spouse/partner, lots about behaviors. I read everything but almost NEVER reply. Because I'm friends with my mother-in-law, who I don't want to cause pain to, and my mother and father who both are one. That was until today. It was just a little blurp about a photo/saying. The photo/saying said "Don't you wish you could record them?" and I replied "I DID.... that's when the violence began..." UGH. Hitting the send button was like opening another door that I DIDN'T want to see... A door that showed the obvious signs that I was SO willing to ignore... more pain...
SIGH.
I don't get it. I don't get how to "recover" from this. I don't get "boundaries"... I don't get not allowing your self worth to be damaged. Having grown up with this, that's all I know! ARE there good people out there? Well, obviously that's a yes because N's FEED on good people and there are a whole lot of other victims out there. But how in the world do I attract good people into my life? And would I recognize them? Or worse, will I become an N myself because that's all I know? Or WORSE, will it just turn out to be ANOTHER ONE? Because looking back, I can see that the reason my X became so extreme as time went on was because he had SO MUCH inner pain. And now that he's gone, I still have waves of grief and pain. You know, he was the ONLY one who made me feel LOVED my entire life. And today, I could see that all of it was just an illusion. And as soon as I see that, I WONDER if I'm actually unloveable...
SIGH.
Time heals all wounds.... well, at least I can say I'm still hopeful. Later.
Replies
You are more than loveable! Yes it may take awhile to meet someone who will love you like you thought you were loved, but they will come. I have the exact same thoughts, especially when I remember I have no children, let alone the husband I loved so much and thought loved me! I have to believe that we both will find and meet someone who will prove that we are loveable. My friend Dorothy tells me constantly that of course I am loveable, she loves me. But for some reason it just isn\'t quit enough. But I am working on believing it. (((HUGS)))
Oh MAN tough journal to comment on because you got\'s LOTS going on and are raising lots of good questions and awareness.
Just the fact that you are aware of narcissism and boundaries n\' baiters will help you grow and change. I promise. You are no longer that child that needed to be on the receiving end of your parent\'s open issues. I firmly believe that our collective consciousness is shifting us all to more open psychic plains. Promise. Good things are coming to those who trudge the happy path. Or rather to those who bike back and forth!! ha ha.
I listen to a podcast from a health enthusiast who does full Ironmans (2.4 swim, 112 bike and 26.2 run) and stays in shape for them by doing intense weightlifting sprinting a couple times a week AND by commuting everywhere on his bike. Sound familiar?!? you are gaining more fitness having to do that trudgy daily biking. Promise. I admire you keep going! You sound like such an interesting person and btw you handled the neighbors well.