AHA!
Nothing like a snowstorm that dumps 2 FEET in 24 hours!
My AHA - well, since NOBODY was moving the past 24 hours... well except me because I live 4 blocks from work and wound up snowshoeing it in today... AFTER shoveling, walking the dogs, AND cross country skiing, lol... I had LOTS of time to think!
First thing that happened was figuring out those insecurities and why they came up last weekend. You know, when I went to see Jack, the visit triggered a memory I'm not proud of. My childhood had incidents of trauma which caused me to have this aversion to anything medical - most specifically with blood. The X, though, was fascinated by it. One of his BEST qualities when I first knew him, long before the alcohol poisoned his mind, was the fact that he had such a generous and loving spirit and that because of it he wanted to be a nurse. The day he proposed to me we were at the zoo and while we were there, someone had an epileptic seizure, took a horrible fall on the pavement, blood everywhere, and my response was to panic and want to leave... but my X's response was to stay and help. And that day was the first day that I began to look at who I was and who I wanted to be....
Fast forward to this past weekend and it was the same kind of thing. I was so lost not knowing what to say or do while visiting Jack, that all those old feelings kicked in and I left. And as I left, the guilt of that 16 year old me came flooding forward. And it triggered more feelings of guilt because when the X asked to see me at the hospital just before he died, he had a bad seizure as I walked into the room, blood was coming out of his mouth - and I left. And I never went back in.... I was there, just didn't want to see him and I'd wait for word in the waiting room or go talk to the nurses while he was sleeping. I guess it's because I feared more hatred, feared more emotional pain from him - maybe I'm not even sure what I feared.... I was later told that he had no idea I wasn't there anyways. He kept telling my son to take me home even when I wasn't at the hospital. This is why i went for such a long soul searching drive after my visit with Jack last Sunday...
And so today, sitting in that silent empty office with nobody calling, no interruptions, I could "SEE" EVERYTHING. I could see how the x made me a much better person... I could see how he taught me to become generous and loving myself... I could see how he showed me how to help other people... I could see how other people (my grandparents that gave me the inheritance) could see that IN me... and I could see the BEST of my x again. And in that discovery/review, I am closing another door to my past. MAN, I have gone through so much growth. I HAVE BECOME THAT PERSON I WANT TO BE... that person has been there/here for YEARS.... What does this mean? It means that my heart is beginning to prepare itself for a future with someone who will become my next soulmate, without the traumas of the past...
AND I also figured out my FEAR... The one about being financially stable or unstable. Today I was able to look at why I'm panicking regarding doing this new business. It's because it is such a risky thing to do when you don't have experience in being your own boss and dependent upon yourself to survive. If I had more time in my life, I'd invest the cash I have and build up more savings and THEN do it. But I don't. In less than a year, my financial state is going to deteriorate no matter what and I'll burn through savings as if it weren't even there. It's already started with needs coming up with repairing the house, replacing my furnace... And that spending scares me way more than the fear of just pursuing a purpose and moving on and seeing if I could do better. It's like a story I heard on NPR about a homeless couple in their 50's. They both had income through social security, both had health issues that would allow them to get into assisted living facilities and yet they don't.... they don't even check into it... they don't think about it.. they don't look for ways to make it work like moving to a cheaper city or state... They're STUCK in their fear which just makes their fear more REAL. And that's me too.... stuck fearing instead of facing it and dealing with it and seeing if there's anything to fear at all...
And so, as I was leaving work to GLORIOUS SUNSHINE and BEAUTIFUL snow covered trees and hills, I could feel the JOY in discovering that AHA.... Yep, another door has closed... I'm beginning to run out of open doors! LATER!
My AHA - well, since NOBODY was moving the past 24 hours... well except me because I live 4 blocks from work and wound up snowshoeing it in today... AFTER shoveling, walking the dogs, AND cross country skiing, lol... I had LOTS of time to think!
First thing that happened was figuring out those insecurities and why they came up last weekend. You know, when I went to see Jack, the visit triggered a memory I'm not proud of. My childhood had incidents of trauma which caused me to have this aversion to anything medical - most specifically with blood. The X, though, was fascinated by it. One of his BEST qualities when I first knew him, long before the alcohol poisoned his mind, was the fact that he had such a generous and loving spirit and that because of it he wanted to be a nurse. The day he proposed to me we were at the zoo and while we were there, someone had an epileptic seizure, took a horrible fall on the pavement, blood everywhere, and my response was to panic and want to leave... but my X's response was to stay and help. And that day was the first day that I began to look at who I was and who I wanted to be....
Fast forward to this past weekend and it was the same kind of thing. I was so lost not knowing what to say or do while visiting Jack, that all those old feelings kicked in and I left. And as I left, the guilt of that 16 year old me came flooding forward. And it triggered more feelings of guilt because when the X asked to see me at the hospital just before he died, he had a bad seizure as I walked into the room, blood was coming out of his mouth - and I left. And I never went back in.... I was there, just didn't want to see him and I'd wait for word in the waiting room or go talk to the nurses while he was sleeping. I guess it's because I feared more hatred, feared more emotional pain from him - maybe I'm not even sure what I feared.... I was later told that he had no idea I wasn't there anyways. He kept telling my son to take me home even when I wasn't at the hospital. This is why i went for such a long soul searching drive after my visit with Jack last Sunday...
And so today, sitting in that silent empty office with nobody calling, no interruptions, I could "SEE" EVERYTHING. I could see how the x made me a much better person... I could see how he taught me to become generous and loving myself... I could see how he showed me how to help other people... I could see how other people (my grandparents that gave me the inheritance) could see that IN me... and I could see the BEST of my x again. And in that discovery/review, I am closing another door to my past. MAN, I have gone through so much growth. I HAVE BECOME THAT PERSON I WANT TO BE... that person has been there/here for YEARS.... What does this mean? It means that my heart is beginning to prepare itself for a future with someone who will become my next soulmate, without the traumas of the past...
AND I also figured out my FEAR... The one about being financially stable or unstable. Today I was able to look at why I'm panicking regarding doing this new business. It's because it is such a risky thing to do when you don't have experience in being your own boss and dependent upon yourself to survive. If I had more time in my life, I'd invest the cash I have and build up more savings and THEN do it. But I don't. In less than a year, my financial state is going to deteriorate no matter what and I'll burn through savings as if it weren't even there. It's already started with needs coming up with repairing the house, replacing my furnace... And that spending scares me way more than the fear of just pursuing a purpose and moving on and seeing if I could do better. It's like a story I heard on NPR about a homeless couple in their 50's. They both had income through social security, both had health issues that would allow them to get into assisted living facilities and yet they don't.... they don't even check into it... they don't think about it.. they don't look for ways to make it work like moving to a cheaper city or state... They're STUCK in their fear which just makes their fear more REAL. And that's me too.... stuck fearing instead of facing it and dealing with it and seeing if there's anything to fear at all...
And so, as I was leaving work to GLORIOUS SUNSHINE and BEAUTIFUL snow covered trees and hills, I could feel the JOY in discovering that AHA.... Yep, another door has closed... I'm beginning to run out of open doors! LATER!
Replies
Wow, you have had time to think! I\'m very impressed with your reflection. I hope and pray that you find what or who you are looking for.
Good for you! I can so understand what you are talking about. I oo am doing so much self discovery and facing up to an acknowledging my fears, realities etc. It is so amazing to see the growth that can take place when we allow it. What an inner peace and joy it can bring when we manage to overcome some of them, one at a time.