PROGRESS

While this may not be much, for me it is HUGE...
I was concerned about taking my sick dog out hiking yesterday and then I had a little stomach issue myself, so instead of going out and enjoying the sunshine, I just stayed home and clean.... REALLY cleaned.   I rearranged closets, scrubbed floors, disinfected everything, moved furniture around....
And as I cleaned, I discovered MORE things that had disappeared that I didn't notice (antique bookends that belonged to my great grandmother)...  again a feeling of betrayal and loss, but this time, I also see progress....
The moving furniture around is where the progress came through the biggest.   When the X and I divorced, it hurt so much that I couldn't stand sleeping in the same place where we always did, so I moved the bedroom all around.   It was ok and looked nice, but it was cramped and wasn't as comfortable - but still more comfortable than it was thinking of him all the time as I tried to sleep...
Yesterday, I moved it back.  The bedroom looks warm, comforting, bigger.   I even have space for the huge dog beds without tripping over them.  And the animals are enjoying it... every time I'd go in with sheets or something, I'd find them sleeping some place else.   It was like they were playing musical beds, lol.   And last night I slept where I used to and slept well.   And it didn't hurt. 
I still have feelings of sadness and loneliness, especially when I discover missing things and think about how those blinders that I had on were so big that I didn't even notice they were gone, but for the first time since his death, I also have feelings of hope that everything will be ok... that I WILL be ok.
Later.