Better today.
Dreams began last night. I've been waiting for them. In the past, when I've lost someone I love to death, they'd appear in my dreams a week or two later, but something was always wrong. Because as soon as they showed up, I would pull out a sword, attack them while screaming NO and they would disappear. And then I'd wake up, grieving even more because my conscious state would have loved to talk to them...
Last night, I didn't dream about the X in that way... instead, I dreamt that I was with my son and my X's best friend, standing with them while invisible as they scattered his ashes along the shoreline of my X's favorite fishing spot. It was a good dream... it felt like I'm getting closure.
The kids (my son and daughter-in-law) told me after the memorial service on Monday, that things are moving in their house... toys that haven't been played with in months are suddenly going off... toys that require a button to be pushed to make noise, now just make noise on their own. I'm glad that's not happening here... 1. because of questioning my own sanity when it did happen when my grandfather passed, and 2. because I NEED the closure and know that dealing with that would just make the door linger open.
I've got a long ways to go... this week, I'm stuck on the word MINE. My dogs, my cats, my home... I haven't thought in that possessive sense in a VERY long time. It's an odd sensation. I've got friend's dogs coming to stay with me on Friday through New Years. I wish they weren't, but then again, they always make me LAUGH. Maybe it's supposed to be that way (of course it is... God has a PLAN, you know) because I need the time to get adjusted to my new reality. And I will. It's meant to be this way... Later.
Last night, I didn't dream about the X in that way... instead, I dreamt that I was with my son and my X's best friend, standing with them while invisible as they scattered his ashes along the shoreline of my X's favorite fishing spot. It was a good dream... it felt like I'm getting closure.
The kids (my son and daughter-in-law) told me after the memorial service on Monday, that things are moving in their house... toys that haven't been played with in months are suddenly going off... toys that require a button to be pushed to make noise, now just make noise on their own. I'm glad that's not happening here... 1. because of questioning my own sanity when it did happen when my grandfather passed, and 2. because I NEED the closure and know that dealing with that would just make the door linger open.
I've got a long ways to go... this week, I'm stuck on the word MINE. My dogs, my cats, my home... I haven't thought in that possessive sense in a VERY long time. It's an odd sensation. I've got friend's dogs coming to stay with me on Friday through New Years. I wish they weren't, but then again, they always make me LAUGH. Maybe it's supposed to be that way (of course it is... God has a PLAN, you know) because I need the time to get adjusted to my new reality. And I will. It's meant to be this way... Later.
Replies
You\'re doing well, really. How traumatic it is, to go thru the trauma while he\'s alive and then again, when he dies. Sounds like he wants to make his presence known to your kids. Maybe they should sage the house.
Glad you are finding some peace. That\'s wonderful.
I was thinking along those same lines (the cleansing) as I got ready for work this morning. When my son is ready, I\'m sure they will do a cleansing... a letting go. He just needs to be ready first.