Better
Maybe it's because I'm starting to move forward... I added more Christmas decorations to the house. A snowgirl holding a bucket of snowballs and a reindeer. Goofy as heck. Makes me smile and chuckle every time I look at him.
We're having the memorial reception here at my house because, ironically, AA is using the church hall. So I've decorated it all up, got seating for about 15 people which is all I figure is going to show up at the church. The minister wants me to say something in the service. I can't. Because while I could start with how he was my soulmate, how he gave me courage when I had none when we moved to the hills, how he made me laugh, like the time I told him my hair was getting too long - he loved it long - and I said that it was trying to strangle me in my sleep and he said "no, that was me", lol.... and then I immediately think how he really was trying to kill me with the food...
I still have his remaining ashes here at the house... On one hand I hate seeing them. I keep moving them around the living room depending on my mood. Last night it got moved over by the tv away from me because I was so angry with him. But on the other hand, I'm grateful. Because as I'm talking to (ok, yelling at) him, lol, it's giving me a chance to speak about how I feel... He would never let me say how I felt during the divorce - couldn't deal with it....
Which means I'm beginning to have some closure.
I called my son last night to see if he's free this weekend to go through his father's things, figure out what's what for bills, etc.... and was told they have enough help. DAMN, I did it again... Overstepped the responsibilities as the ex-wife. On one side it hurt, on the other side it means I won't have more memories to deal with. And then I wondered if the reason was because my in-laws were told for years that I was taking all their money.... My son mentioned that my brother-in-law talked about missing things when I had left, things the X told me he gave to our son, but most likely pawned.... I thought about sending my mother-in-law a note on the truth - how he was calling in the middle of the night to borrow money so I wouldn't know about it - said it was because of my overspending when it was really to pay for the booze (THAT's how he got the money for it) and how when she scared him by saying she was going to talk to me, he told ME that SHE was making up stuff about him calling in the middle of the night so that I'd stay out of it and that was the reason he cut off contact with her.... Yeah, he fooled us all. And again I changed my mind, well except for yelling at my X about how he still had the power to hurt, even in death. I just don't know...
And I still haven't gotten a hold of Paul... he went raccoon hunting last night. I wonder if he's the one that sold the X the gun the ATF was calling about, and wonder if he still has it. It would be really cool if I could call my son and say we've found it... Well, whether or not he does, I'm more prepared (stronger) to handle any bad news he's got to give now that I'm finally home (I drove 2600 miles this week) and got in some decent sleep...
I'm tempted... really tempted, to get in the car, drive another 300 mile round trip drive to the Badlands and go hiking. Get out in the wild, alone with my thoughts, and explore. My granddaughter is coming Saturday afternoon to play... and Sunday it's supposed to snow. But the Badlands are SO BEAUTIFUL when it snows.... though I DO need to do some painting, steam clean the carpet.... hmmmm.... explore the fossils... I even have enough money to spend the night in Wall if I get stuck in the snow... yeah, I'm REALLY tempted.... later!
We're having the memorial reception here at my house because, ironically, AA is using the church hall. So I've decorated it all up, got seating for about 15 people which is all I figure is going to show up at the church. The minister wants me to say something in the service. I can't. Because while I could start with how he was my soulmate, how he gave me courage when I had none when we moved to the hills, how he made me laugh, like the time I told him my hair was getting too long - he loved it long - and I said that it was trying to strangle me in my sleep and he said "no, that was me", lol.... and then I immediately think how he really was trying to kill me with the food...
I still have his remaining ashes here at the house... On one hand I hate seeing them. I keep moving them around the living room depending on my mood. Last night it got moved over by the tv away from me because I was so angry with him. But on the other hand, I'm grateful. Because as I'm talking to (ok, yelling at) him, lol, it's giving me a chance to speak about how I feel... He would never let me say how I felt during the divorce - couldn't deal with it....
Which means I'm beginning to have some closure.
I called my son last night to see if he's free this weekend to go through his father's things, figure out what's what for bills, etc.... and was told they have enough help. DAMN, I did it again... Overstepped the responsibilities as the ex-wife. On one side it hurt, on the other side it means I won't have more memories to deal with. And then I wondered if the reason was because my in-laws were told for years that I was taking all their money.... My son mentioned that my brother-in-law talked about missing things when I had left, things the X told me he gave to our son, but most likely pawned.... I thought about sending my mother-in-law a note on the truth - how he was calling in the middle of the night to borrow money so I wouldn't know about it - said it was because of my overspending when it was really to pay for the booze (THAT's how he got the money for it) and how when she scared him by saying she was going to talk to me, he told ME that SHE was making up stuff about him calling in the middle of the night so that I'd stay out of it and that was the reason he cut off contact with her.... Yeah, he fooled us all. And again I changed my mind, well except for yelling at my X about how he still had the power to hurt, even in death. I just don't know...
And I still haven't gotten a hold of Paul... he went raccoon hunting last night. I wonder if he's the one that sold the X the gun the ATF was calling about, and wonder if he still has it. It would be really cool if I could call my son and say we've found it... Well, whether or not he does, I'm more prepared (stronger) to handle any bad news he's got to give now that I'm finally home (I drove 2600 miles this week) and got in some decent sleep...
I'm tempted... really tempted, to get in the car, drive another 300 mile round trip drive to the Badlands and go hiking. Get out in the wild, alone with my thoughts, and explore. My granddaughter is coming Saturday afternoon to play... and Sunday it's supposed to snow. But the Badlands are SO BEAUTIFUL when it snows.... though I DO need to do some painting, steam clean the carpet.... hmmmm.... explore the fossils... I even have enough money to spend the night in Wall if I get stuck in the snow... yeah, I'm REALLY tempted.... later!
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