I got an email from a COO in CA about a job. I told her I'm staying because my sister is having a baby and will be a single mom. But maybe that was the wrong thing to do. I'm half regretting it now. Michael sent me a text today....today marks the 3 year anniversary of the loss of his love. Watching him pass away and watching Michael care for him as he did was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And he looked so much like the man I love laying there on that hospital bed with the oxygen mask on. That's all I could think about at the time- how much love Michael had for him and how much he looked like.... But that won't be me. I won't be there when he leaves the world. I won't be there at all. I'm not there now. I don't matter. I'm the one who feeds his ego and gives great head and is an escape from his life. None of that is real. I know he loves me.....as a friend anyway...and maybe he believes he does love me as more but it's really that he loves the way I make him feel. It's not that way for me. I don't love the way he makes me feel- because i feel like crap. I love him. Sometimes I don't know why- in the beginning he didn't treat me particularly well. He was selfish- but he was young. But now- we are closer every day. And I love that. And I love that he loves me- or at least thinks so. I remember when he was with his last girlfriend and they had problems and he said "love is not enough..." and I remember thinking- "it would be for me." But that's not true. Love is not enough. Seemed like a good handle to use on here- loveisnotenough. And that has been the case with both men I have loved- it's never been enough. 
But the truth is, I feel less lonely in the world because he is in it. And I do feel loved by him. I don't know if it's real. But sometimes I don't care. I just need to feel it sometimes.
After seeing that pic though- I can't get it out of my head.  I can't unsee it.  I can't get her text messages out of my head either.  I can't get HER out of my head.  And I hatemyself for it.  I really do.  I think I need a break.  
Like mikesnotfair said "How unfortunate it is that so much pain and crap goes with the desire to be with one who makes us feel whole."  I don't know that he makes me feel whole- but he makes me feel like more than I am by myself.
I don't know what to do.  Tomorrow is our night.  I'm normally excited about it.  But right now....I just feel sick and I don't think I can look at him.  I think he'll see through me.  
I need to think.