Hurt
After all that they asked me if me and my husband wanted to hold our baby for the LAST TIME. That was a really hard question to answer. The words LAST TIME replayed over and over before i was able to even answer. My husband said no. All i said i want to at least see him to buy my self some time to see if i could even tolerate holding. We went into the room where he lay. I ran over to him bawling like a screaming baby and i reached my hand out and touched his forehead. It was so cold. He had lost a lot more color and was cold. I knew then that the house was the LAST TIME i was ever going to be able to hold him. He was still warm when i found him. He had only lost some of his color. Almost 2 weeks late I feel guilty for not holding him at the hospital. I can still feel his cold forehead from when i kissed at the hospital. I can still smell his scent from time to time. I can sometimes here him cry and why i never heard him that morning is beyond me. Im beating myself up over this. Please help
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Reading your journal brought back so many of the same feelings you have. We have 3 children Bella 8 Oliver 2.5 & our son August who passed away on 11-21-10. He was 4 months old. Our nightmare started at 1:30 am. I was exhausted from running errands and getting our house ready for the Thanksgiving company that was flying in the next morning. My husband gave August his bottle in our bed and they fell asleep while I stayed up to finish some things up. I sat in the guest room upstairs after making the bed and enjoying the quiet I read a little and drifted off. I woke up around 1:30am to my daughter Bella saying Daddy needs you. She was asleep downstairs and heard my husband calling for me. I figured August must have woke up and that I would feed him.( He was breastfed and took bottles once every night.) He had just been sleeping most of the night but it wasn\'t unusual for him to wake up once or twice. Well when I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard my husband screaming my name and saw firetruck lights outside our house. I ran in our room and saw my husband giving my baby CPR I could tell that my baby was already gone.. My husband had woke up and saw August and knew something was wrong and called 911 and our firestation is a block away so it all happened so fast. I ran outside screaming for them to hurry. I directed them in our room and grabbed my other 2 children and ran upstairs with them. I held them tight while crying and shaking until someone came up to tell me we might need to go to the hospital and we should call someone. I dialed my 2 neighbors who our our dear friends. They both came immediatly. One of them took my children to her house and the other stayed with us. I remember falling to the ground and just wailing \"my baby\". They did everything they could but they finally told us he was gone. There was no need to even go to the hospital. They told us the detectives would be asking questions and that the medical examiner was on her way. Then they asked if I wanted to see my baby. I was terrified and couldn\'t walk so a few of the paramedics helped my husband & I to our room and I saw my son laying on our bed. He had his jammies on and his eyes were closed and he looked a little blue. I touched his arm and it was ice cold. I wanted to remember holding his warm body so I chose not to pick him up. I kissed his belly and just kept wailing \"my baby\"! They took me out of the room and my husband and I hugged and cryed and sometimes were even silent for hours. It was the first snow storm of the winter that night so many roads were closed and it was horrible driving conditions. It took the medical examiner almost 2 hours to get to our house. All while my son stayed laying on our bed. I remember saying someone should be in there with him. But it was too hard for my husband & I to see him like that. I will never forget the sound & sight of the detectives camera flashes going off in my room. They asked us what happened and were very sensitive and understanding. Finally the medical examiner arrived and asked more questions. Then the moment came when they took our baby with them and I\'ll never forget that feeling when they walked out the door. I couldn\'t watch but I literally could feel a piece of me leaving when they walked out the door. We made our calls to family and I couldn\'t even speak I was crying so hard so my neighbor did all of the talking. The next few hours were very quiet and my husband & I layed down on our living room daybed and watched the snow falling and went from crying to silence and shock. Through out the day friends and family started to show up. We had our friends bring our 8 year old back and told her August had died. That was one of the hardest things to watch was to see how heartbroken she was. She is a great big sister & loved him sooo much. One of the medics that I will never forget she helped us get through it all came back when she finished her shift and hugged us and cried and said this was not our fault and that she could tell we were good parents from the minute she walked in our door. My parents flew in from Hawaii and others from California. With all of the snow the roads were closed so some family were just stuck at the airport for hours feeling helpless. I planted myself on that day bed for the whole week. My husband & slept on it & I refused to go in my bedroom. I remember my first trip just walking to the bathroom was hard. I walked in and lost it every little thing reminded me of August. I was extremely engorged and I remember taking a shower and not wanting to let my milk go. It didn\'t seem right. We hated being alone so for weeks we made sure we had a house full of people and the support we had was amazing. We ended up moving out of that house. We were renting it and our lease was up and we found a place just a few blocks away. It was too hard for us to stay there. The official Autopsy report ruled his death as SIDS.It\'s been 8 months and I\'m in a much better place. Sharing my feelings and story and listening to others has allowed me to feel my grief instead of holding it in. It\'s the only way to do it. My husband has PTSD from this and has nightmares and memories and guilt that consume him. He has held a lot in and just now realizes he needs some help. He is scheduled to see a psychiatrist next week to help him deal with the trauma. This has been a rollercoaster of emotions but the pain really does ease. Sorry for the long comment but I hope you can find that you are not alone with what you are going through and I\'m here if you ever want to talk, share, vent.
I\'m so sorry you had to join this group but I think you came to the right place and you will find some support here....
Big hugs & tears
You will be in my thoughts..
Thankyou for sharing that painful story of your loss. Yes i could relate especially with being engorged and taking a shower not wanting to let go of my milk. My milk had only come in the day before he passed. I can remember crying harder at the hospital because my shirt was soaked because it was past time to feed him again and i couldnt i still have expressed breastmilk sitting in the freezer. Im mad at my mother before i came home she ripped his crib swing car seat clothes blankets sheets and his diaper bag out of my home. My 2 yr old son wic folder is in that bag. I keep asking for some of those things back and she tells me she will bring his stuff i requested but never does i have asked repeatedly. Defax sent a worker out to the house to make sure my oldest one is being taken care of. That worker said i see the crib is gone. I tried to tell her not by choice but she kept on talking and takin notes. Im just furious. I went to town today and saw 3 different newborns in 3 different places.
I ended up having a crying spell in the middle of mcdonalds and had to leave my son and husband to go pull myself together in the bathroom all because i heard another persons newborn baby cry. I dont feel like i will ever pull myself completely together again. Like im trapped in a tunnel i cant escape. Even tho this whole time ive had to keep going for my oldest the only reason im not closed up and withdrawn hung up on the couch where i continue to sleep. Even tho we got a different bed i can barely go into that room. I miss him so much.
I want to start my saying I am so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you are feeling. My son died this past mothers day and the pain is still so fresh. But I assure you it does get a little easier. I also went out to eat with family a few days after he passed and I broke down at the table and had to go outside. I know what you mean when you say you feel like your trapped in a tunnel and cant escape. I would hang out with friends to take my mind off of it and on the outside I could laugh and act like I was ok, but on the inside I was dying. I felt like I could never actually be happy or even enjoy things I used to love ever again. But I am slowly being able to enjoy my life again. I still do break down randomly and sometimes in public but its not 5 times a day like it was. I too remember the doctor asking if I wanted to hold my son for the last time and I kept trying but every time I walked into the room I screamed and bawled. Now I wish I would have been with him more before he was buried. I still feel guilty for ever going back to work after he was born. But we will always have those regrets and what ifs, but you HAVE to tell yourself that it wasnt your fault because it wasnt. If you ever need to talk please message me. I feel like your story is SO similar to mine. Love and hugs to you and your family. Remember to be strong for your other little one.
I want to start aswell by saying how sorry i am for your loss. And i can completely understand your sense of loss, My little boy passed on january24th of this yr after four days. We recieved news dec 21st wen i went for my 35 wk scan for a low lying placenta that our baby had a lot of fluid in his brain and around his brain. we then were sent to a specialist who informed us of how severe his condition was and didnt hold out any hope for him. I was brought in for a section on jan 20th at 39wks joey was delivered at 12.48pm weighin 8 12 and scored very low on his apgar score he was taken to the special care unit for babies while i was brought to recovery my husband went to see him and was given a picture of him. Later that night i was brought to see him he was beautiful perfect apart from an enlarged head from the fluid they told us that he wouldnt see morning but he came out fighting and fight he did. We were so shoked that he was fighting and doing so well then crash his breathing started to fail and we were given a private room and both myself and my husband along with our families held him and took as many pictures as we could i sang and rocked him and prayed for his pain to be taken away. my husband held him as he took his last breath and we said good bye. My heart is broken and i feel so guilty as i was releaved that his suffering was no more i was handling it so well up until his 6month anniversary and i lost sobbing wanting him back, its so unfair that we have lost our angels but there has to be some higher purpose for it. I have never felt so empty but my family anf friends have been great and my husband has been a tower of strength for me as have my two other children, i have to be strong for them they need their mammy and that\'s what keepas me going and the fact that Joey wouldn want me to be sad maybe i\'m deludeing myself but i feel that im doing ok and then suddenly i feel like i\'m not. I dont know what to say most of the time and i dont know what am i supposed to feel or how to feel sometimes. I\'m so so sorry for your loss and hugs to you all xx xx