Hurt

After all that they asked me if me and my husband wanted to hold our baby for the LAST TIME. That was a really hard question to answer. The words LAST TIME replayed over and over before i was able to even answer. My husband said no. All i said i want to at least see him to buy my self some time to see if i could even tolerate holding. We went into the room where he lay. I ran over to him bawling like a screaming baby and i reached my hand out and touched his forehead. It was so cold. He had lost a lot more color and was cold. I knew then that the house was the LAST TIME i was ever going to be able to hold him. He was still warm when i found him. He had only lost some of his color. Almost 2 weeks late I feel guilty for not holding him at the hospital. I can still feel his cold forehead from when i kissed at the hospital. I can still smell his scent from time to time. I can sometimes here him cry and why i never heard him that morning is beyond me. Im beating myself up over this. Please help