Thank you guys for the hugs and the messages i have gotten lately. it is good to know that i am not alone. i haven't been staying sober all the time, but i haven't mixed pills & drink any more since last time. i am going to put a magnent on the fridge we keep our beer in that says " I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me"maybe that will help.. a gentle reminder.i don't drink to forget.. or because i am in pain. i have given all my resentments over past abuse (well, most of them) to God my father. so there is nothing to "drink away"I believe I went thru what i went thru so i could help others.i drink to relax. to sit on the patio after a day at work and drink some beers.part of me thinks "there is nothing wrong with that.. you are too hard on yourself.. you are not hurting anyone"but the guilt i feel when i get drunk is so heavy i beleive it is the Holy Spirit convicting me. Like what if someone was to need me at that instant?? what if God needed me to help one of His children? I am USELESS!!! to myself and others when i get drunk and i know that.