Im so fed up. I just want to come out of my skin like do something extreme. How can you live if No matter to what extreme you go nothing changes. GRRR. My grandad is a multi millionaire and left raising his grandchildren up to his sons. He never really get's close to us, especially me who it such a shame about becuase "I was such a happy kid". I think he thinks i play hopscotch in the backyard and chase bunny rabits around all day. He has no freakin idea. He thinks that i should be able to get ahold of my mental illness. My dad said that is just it you cant, he says will of course you can. No body going to take care of you,you got to that on your own, like that doesnt run through my mind everday!. I guess im not really pissed off at him, hes only being and doing what he should, just being him. Walls, walls, walls. That is all I see. What should i do, what should i do? I went to publix the other day and checking met one of my managers when i used to work there. Jeeez,,,that was such hell trying to be normal to do a job. I was talking to him , just common gestures at checking out. Nothing personal, never was anything personal at publix to much. Asked about a job if they had any openings. Nice guy somehow knew what my problem was that affected my work. Stupid social anxiety. Got really nervous when i did remember my pin for a second, stupid thought came out of the blue, not even my thought, who cares, got nervouse felt embarrassed about nothing that overwhelmed me. Yeah if i worked thier again id have problems typing in 333 pin if i had to. Whats a guy supposed to do. It wasnt intense just reminded me of why I cant work. What am i going to do when nobodys there to help with my finaces. I understand i live off 8,000 a year, its poverty. Ill probably end up on the street when my ma and da our gone. Screw it, bring it on!!!Life doesnt scare me anymore, it's just fuk in hopless. I ve decided all the hell ive been through has afforded me to live a life of ease and try to make a smooth transition into heaven with out going ultimatly insane. More than going insane in the past year or to im seeing signs of dementia. Somtimes my thoughts our there but i cant tell the difference when they are in no way relevant to realtity. Again, bring it on, and on, and on. Alright, im done complaining(: