The man I'm with now, he's not a bad guy but being with him has made me realize that my husband must have felt about me the same way I feel about my guy now. I care about him but I don't love him and probably never will, but I stay because I can't hurt him like that. He is very in love with me. We broke up once before and the pain he was in caused me to give in to him. It's all my own fault, I'll never learn. But I'll never forget how much it hurt me when my husband left.
I still think of him every day, I wonder if that will change. My first marriage and divorce were very different. I didn't have the connection with him that I did with my 2nd husband. It hasn't been that long, I know, but it feels like he's been gone for so long. Why do I miss him? He was so mean, he liked to dominate, control and isolate me. He wanted me only to him, not even my kids, but he could have and do anything he wanted. He thought I would settle for the life of a polygamist.
 I know it's over forever, I could never take him back, don't think he'd come even if I wanted him to anymore. My marriage is dead, like a human dies, and the grief of that will always be with me. I'll get better as the years go by, I know this. But I still don't like this world or my life. He told me he wouldn't leave me alone in this world, he wanted to take me with him and his girlfriend, of course I couldn't do that, so now..no one will know me, the me inside. Him and I were soul mates, there aren't more than one of those for one life. Mine is gone.
If I wasn't with this guy, I would become a hermit lady, probably animal horde, and that scares me a bit but it also tempts me.  I will continue on.