Torn
Yesterday:
I am truly happy lately. I seem to want to shift my emotions to the negative for some reason though. My mind is not use to happy. It feels weird and uncomfortable in this place for too long. I am resisting as much as I can to not go to those dark places in my mind. I am trying not to sabotage this time and moment of bliss.
It is a bit surreal like those little cartoon characters the devil and the angel who sit on either shoulder. My little devil wants so bad to win! He pokes me to remind me he is still there and will never leave my side. He beckons me to come play with him, for he is where excitement and danger is. Like a child he won’t let me be. He demands the attention! Poke, poke, poke until I give in with annoyance and anger. He giggles at this, for he knows anger is what he desires. I truly am not ignoring the fact that he sits on my shoulder but, I wish he would just sit still and be quiet for a bit. I so enjoy my time with the angel who makes things bright and happy. She takes me away from troubles and sooths my pains. She gives me hope and makes me smile. She is patient and does not demand attention. I wish she would demand it. I wish she would fly around me fluttering her wings while I am consumed by the other. I want to be with her for awhile longer and get to know her better.
Back and forth I am torn with emotions. Yesterday was a battle between my inner personality and emotions. Some could say it was because of fatigue others might just say its hormones. It is neither nor, it is my personality coming out full force. It is me confused by whom I should give more attention to; my devil or my angel.
I am truly happy lately. I seem to want to shift my emotions to the negative for some reason though. My mind is not use to happy. It feels weird and uncomfortable in this place for too long. I am resisting as much as I can to not go to those dark places in my mind. I am trying not to sabotage this time and moment of bliss.
It is a bit surreal like those little cartoon characters the devil and the angel who sit on either shoulder. My little devil wants so bad to win! He pokes me to remind me he is still there and will never leave my side. He beckons me to come play with him, for he is where excitement and danger is. Like a child he won’t let me be. He demands the attention! Poke, poke, poke until I give in with annoyance and anger. He giggles at this, for he knows anger is what he desires. I truly am not ignoring the fact that he sits on my shoulder but, I wish he would just sit still and be quiet for a bit. I so enjoy my time with the angel who makes things bright and happy. She takes me away from troubles and sooths my pains. She gives me hope and makes me smile. She is patient and does not demand attention. I wish she would demand it. I wish she would fly around me fluttering her wings while I am consumed by the other. I want to be with her for awhile longer and get to know her better.
Back and forth I am torn with emotions. Yesterday was a battle between my inner personality and emotions. Some could say it was because of fatigue others might just say its hormones. It is neither nor, it is my personality coming out full force. It is me confused by whom I should give more attention to; my devil or my angel.
Replies
I think we focus on the negative in life only because we do so with the hope of eliminating and overcoming as much of it as is possible. We know we like and accept the \'good\' in our lives -- it is the \'bad\' that we want to focus on to \'fix\' it and make life better.
I think a \'happy medium\' may be a good approach. We can appreciate all that is good in our lives while also \'visiting\' the bad in the hopes of \'cracking the code\' of making life even batter by getting rid of the \'bad\' through overcoming or eliminating as much of it as we possibly can.
It seems that way to me at times anyway.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I know what you mean. Feeling happy is something I am not used to, and I am fearful of being incarcerated in the dungeon of depression again. As far as or devil and angel, it is alway going to be a daily battle about moral choices. Even St. Paul struggled with this everyday.
Romans 7: 14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to dothis I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in Gods law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to Gods law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin.
a,b,c,d = Greek word for flesh (sarx) refers to the sinful state of human beings, often presented as a power in opposition to the Spirit.
It is so nice when we find those moments of peace.
They are moments to treasure!
You are very good at expressing your feelings (that is what I want to do but can\'t seem to yet) and I really enjoy reading your daily journal. I believe we are all on a journey and all go down different paths to achieve the same goal. Eternal happiness? We are all the same yet so very unique too. Where am I going with this, I don\'t really know. I\'m practicing saying my thoughts out loud, I think. LOL. many many hugs to you today, Abjure!
plumptomato
I do agree with all of you on so many levels. I think that plumptoato has a point. We are all looking for the same common thing; Happiness, whatever that may be for each of us. Imstillwatiting, yes when we do find peace it is something we all need to treasure because Patricia is right when she say it is appriciation to overcome and find that happy medium. Feilong it is true that it will be a daily battle of choices and that sometimes it is something bigger than us to understand. We must just move on and hope that we are doing more right than wrong.
I know it is apart of me, the way I feel. I just want to enjoy the happy times without fearing that the bad is so near. It\'s been a long time since I have felt this kind of happiness. I hate to say goodbye so soon to it.
Other superheroes are feeling the same as far as newfound happiness. Maybe Justice League needs to form a \"First time Happy in a Long time AND it\'s staying that way!\" support group? LOL But, seriously, I feel life is too good too be true right now, and if this is a dream, please don\'t wake me up, haha.
I am very happy for you, WW! Keep doing what you are doing because it\'s obviously working for you and your positivity is rubbing off on your DS friends too. You really are a trooper who deserves happiness.