Ive come to the conclusion that im ill and need help. ive put on weight due to the binging recently and now i feel disgusting so ive decided not to eat again! I phoned my mum today and told her that i was ill again and that it had been suggested i either go home or hospital. I didnt tell her about the laxatives and actually how ill ive been i just said that i was really quite ill. I think its best not to over load her all at once! Anyway i dont want to go home becausae i dont think i will get better at home. i want my mum and i want home but both my mum and myself will just push it under the carpet if i go home and i will get on with life for it to come back later and probably worse! i want to stay here because i want to make my life work here and to build on all that ive achieved in the last 2years i dont want to leave in a heap! but i dont really want to go to hospital either. Mum didnt freak like she usually does and took it quite well. she said she thought it would be best for me to just go to hospital and get better because they can help me better there than she can. Im glad she said that because i wanted to tell her that i think i should go but didnt want her to stress! And i can always go home for a holiday when im better. Anyway im seeing the psychiatrist on wednesday so we shall see what he says. When i 1st saw him he wanted me to go to hospital but i wouldnt and i think i was much better then than i am now. At the moment my eating is totally out of control and im on 60 laxatives a day everyday. When i 1st saw him i refused to eat but i was only on 24 laxatives a week! if he says i should go to hospital i hope i will be brave enough to go.