Im not proud of myself but I made myself sick today for the first time ever and now i actually feel sick. Ive had a really lovely day but a bad food day. i ate nothing all day then at about 7.30 i decided to have some toast which i was ok about and enjoyed but then i ate 2 chocolate freddo bars and about £1.10s worth of penny sweets and i was making myself feel sicker and sicker as i ate them but instead of just stoping i forced myself to eat them then went and made myself chuck them up. Before i had the toast i also had 40 laxatives. I actually want to just be sick now coz i feel sick in my stomach. I want to take more laxatives now and cut. The sweet wrapers are still on my bed looking at me laughing coz im so dumb!!! Not only did i eat when i was doing so well not to today but i ate so many sweets. Now i feel bad about eating the toast aswel and how nice it was - one slice with my fav strawberry jam on it and the other with the best butter ever Mmmmm. Im also feeling quite anxious about tomorrow coz i have to go to this shared meal at church and we are having shepherds pie and puddings, which is fine coz i like that but its too dense mince and potato too much food and i just dont want to eat it. i have to eat it coz i will be in front of people and the young people will be there and im suppose to be a good example to them coz they (worringly) look up to me so there is no way i can get out of it or just not eat. im getting so fat.  Ow........im in so much pain my tummy is cramping majorly and even though i havent added to the laxative intake they are inforce like never before and im feeling wiped out - no energy left at all and still feeling sick. i think even tho its still early (ish) im gona go to bed.