Ive been sat here nearly and hour wondering what it is i want to put here today. I cant really be bothered but i no when i get going that ill burst and write loads, either that or ill curl up and cry. i cant feel a knot developing in my stomach. i just feel so numb that i cant think or concerntrate. everything just seems so pointless. Im so very tired that if i wanted to i could sleep all day and night. i wake up tired. i get dressed and im ready for sleep again. i come back for the morning school shift and sleep. I have no energy to do much. I come home from work and then just sleep! Ive done nothing today and im completely exhausted. Like what is the point? everyday day is exactly the same and for what reason? we do the same things everyday and it gets us no where at the end of the day. we may achieve things along the way but really in the long term where do these achievements get you? in the end we all end up the same place - in some sort of box! so why do we do it. i love my job and wouldnt want to do anything else and look forward to it, but what is the point in it? its not going to get me or anyone else anywhere. everyday you go through the same motions, nothing really changes that much. why. what is the point in doing all this for all those years? This week has been long. i took quite a big over dose over tuesday and wednesday. I didnt mean to it just kind happened. things got really got of control on tuesday and i kept taking laxatives to try and gain some sort of control, wednesday i did the same and then i worried about work so i took a few anti diarrhoea tablets so it wouldnt affect me at work. Thursday i was so ill i thought i was gone die. my whole body hurt and everything, every joint, mucsle, every bit of my body felt confused and i couldnt drink, everytime i tried my brain just spat it out again even tho i really wanted to drink because i was so thirsty. So thursday i couldnt work, i just didnt have the strength to go, so i had to phone my manager and explain why. Well i actually just told him i was ill but then because he knows about the way ive been he phoned my line manager and asked her what was wrong with me because he knew that she would no. He phoned Friday to check i was ok and we chatted about it and now i have to go back and see the occupational therapist to have another assessment to decide whether i can work or not. I dont think they will let me. My manager has given me the week off work so they can decide what im to do. Im still taking laxatives despite whats happened this week. roughly 30-40 a day. I have to take them otherwise i start to fidget and shake, and im only buying that many a day otherwise i will take them all. (probably) Ill ive eaten today is a handful of boiled sweets. ive not really eaten anything much all week. im so scared that if i eat i will get hungry and want to keep eating and i cant do that. i mustnt eat. im only eating these sweets coz i want to get rid of them and dont want to throw them out! i dont even like them that much! i shouldnt be eating them tho.  Tomorrow well i see the counsellor and have some blood taken then go see the doctor. so we shall see what this week brings.