I no its long but please can someone read it and leave a comment coz its whats going round in my head this evening. Thank you. Have you ever just felt like driving? Just driving, know where in particular just missing your turn off and carrying along the road instead. Where would you end up? Could you just drive forever and never stop? What would happen if you did that? Could you walk? Just carry on walking all through the day and all through the night? What would you say if I did it? Would you even notice? Probably not. I don’t feel today. Im sat here just sat thinking that I want something but I don’t know what. I think I want to cry but I don’t know why. Nothing bad has happened. I…….want to scream just let everything out, I keep feeling waves of anger and then I think of my parents but I don’t know why, they haven’t upset me for a while. I want to be sick but cant. I want to scream and kick and lash my arms about in my head that’s what’s happening. If I let it out it wont stop I will let out everything and there will be nothing left. Im not sure I can cope with people knowing everything I think and feel. WHY. I don’t understand why. Im so confused about what’s happening. I don’t even know where to start there’s so much I want to……I don’t know. I don’t see how writing this or talking about it is going to help. Im going to scrap in a bit that’s the only answer and when I get in the shower tomorrow it will hurt and feel good. Im on my 3rd week of not scraping but what does that mean? Im cross at my sister for telling my mum that I don’t eat, it’s not true. I hate not being rushed off my feet. The other weekend we did a 2night sleep over with the young people, there were 23 of us all together and I did all the cooking and entertaining for the whole weekend. I started at 7am and didn’t stop till 12midnight even then I didn’t sleep coz the young people had no intentions of sleeping. I did that for 3 days after a full weeks work. I was so tired but it felt so good and I need it back like it was when I was at uni. Stupid sister! I hate my parents but I love them. I don’t know why I love them I just do. But I hate them for so many reasons. Why do they have to be so hateful? Why am I here? What’s the point? I try so hard to do well but never make it. I just scrap through life. I really want to do well but I can’t know matter how hard I try. I hate it when they say that they love me they don’t really they just need me as a trophy that’s not love. People shouldn’t love me. I don’t even know why people like me. Fat, ugly, unsuccessful going know where. I stupidly ate lots of cake this afternoon – that’s not going to help. People keep asking me if I have lost weight, HA don’t be so stupid! Can they not see all the fat?! I just want out im tired. I don’t want to die far from it but I feel my life is going know where and everyday I plod on doing not a lot and not really getting anywhere other than picking up the pieces and fighting with people about what I want to do and achieve. Ever since ive been on these tablets ive been so exhausted so tired and no energy. My stomach I want to empty it get rid of those scone I ate at club that was really bad to do and I was doing so well today to. I can’t do anything right. My skin is getting better but I can’t stop picking it, I helps to sometime stop me from scraping. My head has been hurting a lot recently, spinning and feeling disorientated like my head just stops. I so badly want to scrap. I want my tablets to start working. I just want to cry and get it all out but I don’t know what to let out. My head is starting to cave and im so very tired I could sleep forever. I really need some more work but I don’t know how to coordinate it all and the extra hours I get given from time to time. I can’t mess other people around by asking for work then asking for less hours if Swavesey give me more hours but at the same time I cant carry on waiting and hoping that they will increase my hours. Everything is so badly disorganised and im getting so frustrated with them. Ive been working in the village for the last 2 years and know quite a few of the young people that go to the village college but they never listen to anything I say. They don’t know any of the young people. plus that stupid full time youth worker that they have employed hasn’t got anymore of a clue than I have and im more qualified than she is, I know the young people and they know who I am, they don’t have a clue who she is. Im just not good enough for the job which I cant take but then they put someone with less experience and qualifications in post than I have. And to top it all off they are employing a 19 year old who has no experience at all to do another job in the next village why couldn’t they offer me that work im desperate for work and they don’t give me any responsibility. They have given it to him because they said he needs someone to give him a chance fair enough but so do I! I just want to be given a chance, a chance to prove myself and I have a qualification but im not allowed a chance so why should he be allowed a chance? Always left to the bottom of the cue. Walked over trod on then expected to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. Good old Emma she will sort it out – well im sick of being a door mat and people not taking me seriously! Feels like the tablets are starting to work, my stomach is churning, just want it to leave. Leaving usually helps but I think if I left things wouldn’t get better they wouldn’t go away this time. I think this time im going to have to fight them out and im not sure I can. What if I didn’t exist what would the world be like? I don’t think it would be any different. What is life? All I do is get in the way annoy people and hold them back. My whole body is screaming. I want to cut it all up and let it out. I don’t really I want to be healthy and pretty and have good skin I don’t want to have scars or be on tablets and have to rely on creams and I want to look good. Wear short sleeves in the summer and not to worry about whether I look good or not or what people will think because I would always look good.
Replies
i mite give it to my doctor rather than talking to her on thursday.
Wow that is alot of emotion and it sounds like a lot of confusion. I am hurting for you. I don\'t have a great deal of advice but I can tell you this. What happens in our heads, happens. we do not have to act on any thought or emotion. we can just acknowledge them. I fully understand the feeling of wanting to empty everything out. I purge and feel the same way. It sounds like you have an incredible gift with the youth. I have been involved with church youth work off and on for years and I love being with the teens. There are very few people in this world that give a damn enough about teens to devote their time and energy to them. You are one of those precious few. Keep working hard and your bosses will notice and when the time is right and you are healthy enough you will move forward. Remember that you are touching lives in ways that few ever do. The gift you are giving to these people are priceless. And they do not care how you look,they love you because you care and they can feel that. Show yourself some compassion today.
Wow! didn\'t read your whole entry, just the first sentence and wanted to say YES, YES, YES...... I want to drive, far far away :)
oh no,you sound so sad.i hate to think of you hurting in this way.reading your journal is like reading mine sometimes.all the questions you ask,i have asked them all to.i would love to drive and drive and never come back at times.one of my sayings is stop the world i wanna get off,not forever but just for a bit.wouldn\'t it be fantastic if we could do that.you know you are great with those kids and you know i bet they really appreciate it.well i can tell you ,i appreciate you being here.you have done more for me than you will ever know.like when you send a hug just at the right time and you don\'t even know it.i wish i had the answers for you but i don\'t.all i can do is be here for you my darlin.i am always here for you.i hope things will get a little better with time.your in my heart and i am thinking of you.take care,loadsa love, hugs and strength coming your way.love anthea xx
i think its a great idea to give it your doc. that\'s what i do. especially when it\'s really emotional. sometimes i email her in advance too, and then we talk about it. im so sorry for the agony you are going through. i keep telling myself there is only one way to get through this and it is to \"go through it\" and come out the other side. my heart is with you. all strength and courage to you. praying that you find peace xo
thank you for all your comments xx x x
wow, thats exactly how i feel all the time, wana look good and healthy and not worry about the scars but i know it wil never happen and i just wana lose all the weight but that wil never happen as im always binging, its only lunchtime and im already starving, i had dreams last night tellin me the only way to get rid of the bulemia wold b to stop eatin all together then i wouldnt want to purge, i cant believe im actually contemplating trying it i know it wont help. i hope everything works out ok xxx