My new boss phoned me today with my start date. I start on Monday and he sai dthey have another project they want me to work on alongside all the other bits they want me to do which is great. But i cant help thinking that everything is changing. Well it is and it scares me. Ive worked so hard for this job trainned for 2yrs and my line manager from my other job (that im still doing) also worked so hard on my behalf so i would get this job. And although i cant wait to start im so scared incase i mess up or dont do it right. If they dont like me and im not who they thought i was. I feel like i have to prove myself so much but i just cant do that at the moment. And what if they find out i harm? I just cant do it anymore. My head is so mixed up. Im so over harming and just cant seem to be bothered with it anymore but the rest of me is crying out for it. If i go longer than 2 nights I start to worry that i havent done it and start to get urges. My sleep is all over the place and im finding it hard to sleep. Ive never been a big sleeper in that ever since i can remember ive never slept all the way through the night ill often wake up. but at the monent its getting later and later that i sleep sometimes not til the early hours of the morning. It feels like my church work that ive been doing is slowly drifting away from me. I have finished my course i was doing therefore i am no longerthe paid youth worker at church and the church was told this on sunday. At the moment im still doing the same work for them but the young people are like well your not our youth worker anymore!!! and that really hurts ive done so much with them over the last 2 yrs. I was suppose to do 10hrs a week with them but always did at least 20 if not more. Church want to get another student youth worker next summer and that will mean i will have to turn my bits over to who ever comes along and let them do the things im doing and that worries me big time, i dont want someone to take my place when im still around. I want to be the youth worker even if they dont pay me. Everything is changing and i cant hold on to it all. That cream the doctor gave me ive decided i dont like. It doesnt let the scraps scab over they just seem to dry out and go like i have dry skin which then is all peely and its horrible. It sounds silly but i prefered it when they took a while to turn into a scab and then afer a week of 2 the scab would start to come of and it would be ok but they are healing too quickly. And because im not sleeping well im getting very tired and feeling very low. My throat hurts and i think im getting spots or ulsers on my tongue which is making me feel rough aswell. I just feel so lost and confused and my head is all over the place jumping from one thing to the next. I just want it to stop and go away. i feel like im trying to grab hold of things from too far away with gloves on. You no those science things where you stand behind a glass and in the glass there are gloves that you have to put on so you can touch whatever is behind the glass??? Well thats how i feel right now that everything is behind the glass and i am wearing the gloves trying to grab hold of it but i cant coz those gloves are always too big and slippery and soon it will all fall apart because they will see right through me and they will find out that im not that good after all and that they had made a mistake. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .What is wrong with me? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . someone please tell me. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . my friend said that when she last cut she went to the doctors to get it sorted an dthey told her that she couldnt work until she was better. I couldnt bear it if they told me that what a let down i would be to everyone. Yuk that cream is so gross! ive just put it on and it doing weird things. Makes my arms feel horrible. suppose id better try sleeping now.
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i just wrote you this really cool comment and then is just disappeared!!! I wonder if the enemy had anything to do with that. anyway i was saying i know what its like to be the youth leader for two years and then have that taken off you. but remember God has plans for you, plans for good and not for evil, plans to prosper you. hang on to your faith, that is something no one can take from you. you hang in there girls. we can get through this together. lots of love and blessings to you. im praying for you xo