****Please dont read this if it will upset you**** I found something sharp enough to scrap with and last night although i didnt have any real bad urges i just scrapped. it make 2 little holes about the same size as a spot on my arm and they bleed which made me want to scrap even more. Ususally thats when it will start to sting or feel uncomfortable to go on but that didnt happen last night i could have gone on for a lot longer but my arm was aching form having it twisted.  It didnt hurt at all not even this morning when i put it in the shower! The thing is i wasnt particually bothered about harming i could have got through without it but i was like that would be two days with out it. What would happen if i stopped? Obviously i havent alsways harmed so i can survive without it but i cant seem to get my head around that at the moment. Its kinda like i no i have to eat otherwise ill get ill. When i tried to quit before i got really bad urges that made me fell really awful and i started to get headaches and i really dont want to go back to that! but at the same time i dont want to be controlled by this. Part of me think that if i couldleave it long enough for my arms to heal and the scabs to go then i would see how much nicer my arms are and not want to do it anymore. At the moment my arms look gross so what difference does a few more scabs make?!My other moan is that although at the moment im feeling fine i also feel really crap! i just dont have any energy. I really want to go out for a walk but the thought of it just worries me. like what if something happens whilst im walking? what if someone follows me or i get too tired! Stupid things coz a couple of days ago i went out walking nearly everyday!!! and i really want to go to startbucks and read my book with one of there amazing coffees but i just dont seem to be able to make myself go. what if theres not a sofa free or its busy, what if when i get there i feel arkward with the poeple being around me. How dumb is that?! I just want to stay home but then i get so bored being home. I got to work later and i no itll be fine coz ive done it every friday for the last 18months and its good to get out of the house but i just think oh my goodness i hope my staff wont be late and that they will have found some common sense over the summer and what if i forget my papers for the young people? oh well. I just keep telling myself it will be fine. What will be will be and theres nothing i can do about it!!!