I am still here treading thru life because I seemingly have to..Although my suicidal thoughts haven't been as dominant, I still struggle with ideations of being my own assassin or atleast the architect behind my own demise..
I am so self-centered, allowing myself to be captive of my own perceived and fabricated misery; a theme that has been on automation - a cycle that will take an insurmountable amount of inertia to break..I just don't have the will/strength to summon this hidden energy..perhaps it would be obtainable if there wasn't so much hate & disdain of self..I still cannot even force to look at myself, let alone like what I see..
Alone now, full-time, to reflect on my predicament - partaking in self-loathing, isolation, and an over-all carefree maintenance of my mental & physical health..damnit, I just don't care!
I am so self-centered, allowing myself to be captive of my own perceived and fabricated misery; a theme that has been on automation - a cycle that will take an insurmountable amount of inertia to break..I just don't have the will/strength to summon this hidden energy..perhaps it would be obtainable if there wasn't so much hate & disdain of self..I still cannot even force to look at myself, let alone like what I see..
Alone now, full-time, to reflect on my predicament - partaking in self-loathing, isolation, and an over-all carefree maintenance of my mental & physical health..damnit, I just don't care!
Replies
I can certainly relate to the morbid thought of summoning the energy to break-free of a destructive cycle.
I guess I will tire you by repeating my observation that I get a distinct sense that there is another side who really does care a lot.
Perhaps intuit this as I myself try to go this seemingly tiny self in comparison to the \"life-history\" I\'ve built.
You do write so beautifully -- do get out of the house -- so often I feel like life is just sh*t and it does a lot of good to encounter life - people, nature, animals -- created things.
I know all about this self-hate state you are in. I have no idea how to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused others. All I can do now is to work on trying to forgive myself and like me again.
Just related this so you know you are not alone. I am only a PM away if you ever want to correspond. Huggs.. xoxo