Life..
Life isn't for everyone; I'm now convinced of this..suicide, for me, isn't limited to being relieved of pain but the avoidance of having to 'live' - I have a phobia of life (biophobia) - an inconceivable, uncomprehensible mystery for the mass population of 'life loving', 'life seeking' enthusiasts...I observe their adjustments to life's unchoreographed events while I remain unraveled, unmotivated, & resistant to change..Handicapped, I cluelessly & grudgingly survive moments instead of openly experiencing them - wishing for time to warp past because my tolerance is losing it's endurance..There's no 'Rev' or 'FF' button, but I do have an 'Eject' button..Unwelcomed & unwanted; trivialized & unsynchronized - in an unforgiving world..I don't belong here in this place or time - I am a homeless refugee..
My interpretation of life - a series of improvisational chapters & scenes occuring in actual time w/each member being cast, simultaneously, as both director & actor..My 'novel' has many pages unwritten; I stare in despair at a blank canvass - no inspiration for creation of words or scenes..like I'm waiting for a plot to be assigned, a script to 'follow'; a role to be defined..In the interim, life (like time) waits for no one & I am constantly being left behind by all in an abandoned, dark abyss..There is the illusion that I am moving - but I am directionless; handicapped by my mental paralysis - for I am idle, it's just life's landscape passing me by..
My interpretation of life - a series of improvisational chapters & scenes occuring in actual time w/each member being cast, simultaneously, as both director & actor..My 'novel' has many pages unwritten; I stare in despair at a blank canvass - no inspiration for creation of words or scenes..like I'm waiting for a plot to be assigned, a script to 'follow'; a role to be defined..In the interim, life (like time) waits for no one & I am constantly being left behind by all in an abandoned, dark abyss..There is the illusion that I am moving - but I am directionless; handicapped by my mental paralysis - for I am idle, it's just life's landscape passing me by..
Replies
Oh, dear personage and new friend of mine....You are one of THE most creative wordsmiths I have read!!!! I am waiting for your STORY in a BOOK!!!! No one knows your kind of pain...you think...until someone reads your words and is no longer avoiding life!!! and is now....wanting to help others as you have.... This old life just isn\'t ever easy...but we cut out a door if there isn\' an opening! I am here to listen and so are we all!!! PLEASE>>>consider writing...Don\'t just keep your wonderful gift to yourself when you could help people in a wonderful way!!! With strength sent and love given, Ann
Lost Ann, I couldn\'t put it better on the writing.
Mal, I am reminded by your Avatar that there is that other side is you, perhaps a polar opposite of this side which proposes the logic of choosing not to live or struggle.
I have no doubt with time and healing it would and will appear.
Mal, we\'ve been down this road before. I \"understand\" the intensity of pain you must feel, since my daughter suffered a serious mental illness and could not live with it, either. But in her case, she tried hard (at least, she thought she tried hard), prayed, stayed close to God, never being able to admit to her hallucinations, thinking it all a spiritual battle or the result of medications (all of them psychiatric which she needed). She wore a crown of thorns; I saw her in October, she\'s with God. You MUST be certain you can honestly say you have tried everything to defeat these demons or you will not have an answer when you stand before Him. Do you understand? This life is not all there is. You don\'t want to spend eternity out of God\'s presence. This is my greatest fear for those who take their lives. The Catholic church does not consider suicide a sin; rather, the result of intense torment in a confused, compromised mind. I can\'t speak for God. You must not give up unless your torment is so great that you are no longer rational (although you may appear perfectly rational to others). The most precious thing you have, we all have, is our immortal soul.
Jill
You speak so well with words. You are telling how I feel also. I see so much what you have to give to others and yourself. Give yourself a chance to heal my friend.
I hope you can see I\'m not the only one hoping you will write that book.....LostAnn said it well...please don\'t keep your gift to yourself.....someone out in the world needs to know as only you can express it, that they are not alone and that this is very real!!!!
I wish there was a reverse or FF button. Wish we could fix all the things that have gone wrong or been done to us.