Alone...

He's off with her again. He told me he had back-to-back "trainings" with his job and left over Labor Day Weekend.  He won't be back until the 15th. He moved out to live with her 1 year and 5 months ago.  A year ago in the beginning of July I begged him to live in our home so I could live in town (our home is 17 miles from town) with a girl friend for a few months. He agreed, but I couldn't make myself move back so that he could go live with her.  Soooo, it wasn't until a month ago that I moved back in. But only after he said he was going to leave the house vacant.  He didn't take care of it anyway while he was here. Lawn is dead. House needed major cleaning, cat was skinny, horses hooves were so long it was to the point of abuse.
Even though I don't have the money (and my current profession is a REALTOR) I only gave away one of the 3 horses so far.  It tore my heart out. Won't even try to sell the house in this market.   
He said he has the divorce papers all filled out and is going to file when he gets back.  We worked on an "agreement" for the last few months and finally came up with something we can both live with - but no one wins.  No one ever wins do they?
Why, oh Lord, do I still want him back?! Why do I miss him so much? I don't have much family left, and not many friends.  He was my world. I lived for him. He was my fishing partner, I was his hunting partner. We were together 20 years. Now I'm alone.