I had a very down day yesterday.  Had to work, so that helped, but had an accute sense of sadness all around me.  I am doing better this am however.  I resent Glenn more and more.  Wes is having a difficult time and venting his anger to me through the gesture and sighs and moans and growns of a teenager.  I understand that I am the one he has to let it out on, but it sure does not make it any easier.  My heart breaks for him.  The burden of thinking he has to choose between two parents, I will never forgive Glenn for that.  Sara - she just seems sad and when I try to talk to her, she says she is not.  My heart breaks for her too.  I just want to take the  pain away.  Day by Day I pray they get to a better place.  Wesley commented on how I write in my notebook, am on the computer (not much) and talk on the phone to my family and friends.  He said I think about this everyday.  I tried to explain to him that everything I am doing now is to help me get thru this and to insure our security.  I also told him that the things that I do are so that I dont hold all of these emotions in.  They are all my support system, including this site...thank you my friends.  He is very smart but I have to remember he is still 13.  I dont feel like I should justify anything I am doing to try to hold myself together let alone doing everything our kids needs by myself, but I find myself doing that.  He wants to engage with this attitude and I just have to find a way to stop.  He is making it very difficult, but I am trying to understand.  God help us get through this.  I despise him for what he has done to our wonderful children, our home, our family, our friends, our life.  He still has no remorse and is walking around like he is all that and in charge.  I feel is very sick.  I have said it before and I will say it again...I was with him for 23 years and I dont know who the hell he is.  I meet with my lawyer today to go over what we (Glenn, his lawyer, my lawyer and myself) will discuss at our first mediation  on Saturday at 10.  He is making things so hard, demanding I take my car of insurance and pay for it myself.  Now - that is something important he needs to focus on - I guess he has forgotten he has two children to focus on.  He has spent 1 night, and less than 8 hours with both kids since June 29th.  Unforgivable.  I am glad that he is not around the kids only because he is so hurtfull right now.  Filling their heads with lies.  But, at the same time, very devestating for the children thinking their father can just leave and not look back.  Tough spot carrying that load for me.  I guess today is my pity party day....wah wah wah.  Well, I needed to get that out.  I will remain strong, kness just bent a little, but I will stand tall again.  Hopefully today, because I am not the pity kind of person.  I despise him for what he has done to the children.  I despise him for putting me in the position of fixing this situation as far as the kids are concerned.  I just plain despise him.  I pray the children will find a place that they dont resent their dad so much.  A place that they are happy again.  I just want it now, even thought I know it will take a very longtime.  I am left to pick the pieces up everryday.  He parties with his girlfriend everyday like we dont even exist.  I truly believe that one day he will pay for all the pain he has inflicted.   Cliche - but what comes around goes around and in my heart I believe that you just cant treat people like this and get away with it.  I need to remain calm and focused on Saturday.  Thanks for listening my friends.......I needed that.....K.