What to do.

What to do.  Do I find a new job or battle for better conditions at my current job?  Do I tell my boyfriend to hit the road, or try to work things out?  Do I throw caution to the wind and spend money on a new kitchen or a vacation, or do I continue to save for that rainy day? Do I?  Do I? Do I?
I've always played it safe and sensible and smart in the past and I've been used and it has gotten me the short end of the stick.  Hard work and no reward.  This thing about coming back at you ten fold, well, I haven't seen it.  Sure, people like me and appreciate me and all, and that is nice, and I don't want anyone to go out of their way for me, but, being used and abused is not what I asked for in life and that is what I seemed to attract a lot of.
I went to my employees 40th birthday party and her boyfriend surprised her with the party and 2 weeks in Paris.  Me, the good boss let her have the time when I am really too busy to lose her at this time.  She is happy and I certainly don't begrudge her but I'm dreading the coming weeks.  I wish I would have had someone in my life that would surprise me with something considerate.  It certainly doesn't have to be Paris or a party.  I've attracted people in my life who take and don't give so I have something wrong with me for doing this.  I don't trust myself with my decisions anymore.  I'm afraid to move.
So, my 50th is coming up in 2 months and I don't know what to do, but I have to do something for myself.  I just have to.  I was going to reno the kitchen, or I was going to take a vacation, but it was so pathetic to go alone because my boyfriend has no money.  So I was going to invite my best long time friend, but she just called to say she has breast cancer so now I'm thinking I have to keep my mad money incase I have to take a flight to stay by her side should she need me.  She is not a taker.  She is a giver so I have to be there for her.
My god, my best friend has cancer!  How did this happen?  This is so scarey that I am coming of age where people I know are getting serious illness' or suddenly passing away.  I'm getting old!  I look in the mirror and I look old!
My boyfriend sucks.  He just thinks about himself all these years and I kicked him out 6 months ago.  He's trying real hard to stay together but I'm hurt pretty bad by it all.  There was a lot of crap that he did that I find unforgivable.  He's learning to be more giving but I'm thinking too late and, well, I think he is sticking around because he wants something.
My job is too damn hard and getting harder and the big bosses just won't listen to my pleas for help.  I'm tired of failing everyday because of it.  Is there a better workplace out there, or are they all just the same, or worse?  In some ways I have it good.  In some ways, it is pretty shitty.  Job security is so important to a single mother with a mortgage.
And, of course, the migraines are getting worse and the doctors don't listen.  The Graves might be getting worse because I'm not sleeping, or maybe I'm just so friggen depressed.  I don't know.  I'm sick of being sick because I'm sick.  I hate this.  I keep trying and trying and around and around I go.  I try and it is never good enough.  Never good enough.
Well, I had to get this off of my chest to see if putting it out there makes it any less heavy.  Maybe I can sleep now.  Maybe my head will stop hurting so bad.

Replies

MaggieSavedMe
MaggieSavedMe

Enigma\'

I am so sorry you are having to go through all this i do not know uour boyfriend but it soinds like you need to throw him out just for your own self esteem and sanity. I am praying you feel better and am so sorry about your friend.

Love and hugs,
cathy
GTK
GTK

I\'m sorry life has not been treating you so well... and I can certainly understand about you dreading the next few weeks, when you are short staffed. Of course only you can decide what to do about the big questions in this journal... however it sounds to me like the bf is not doing much in terms of bringing extra value into your life... sounds like he is still causing a deficit, even though he\'s no longer living with you, rather than adding much that is positive... have you tried drawing up a pros and cons for keeping him? Get a piece of paper, rule it down the middle, write on what side what he adds to your life, and on the other side write the negatives. Sometimes seeing it tallied like that can really help make the picture a lot clearer.
As far as your 50th goes... I think absolutely that you MUST
GTK
GTK

OOPS... sorry pushed the wrong button... lol. yes you must do something wonderful for yourself... something that is a real treat... something that you\'ve been wanting to do but have denied yourself... and something that doesn\'t involve the bf if possible... why should he benefit from your hard work and from all that you have been through in your life to make it to 50.
You are special... and you deserve to really celebrate yourself at this special time in your life.
Sending hugs and smiles for you... take care... Gaye... xxx
AmaSun
AmaSun

I agree with the others... sounds like the bf is history. You need to start a new page and really give to yourself. One thing that helped me was to decided to make health my priority... over relationships, over work, over everything. Sometimes I forget and overdo for someone else but it helps keep me in check.
So my suggestion is write out your priorities and see how you can start getting there.
hope you feel that strength coming back... hugs,Ama
jancam
jancam

I SO hope you do do something awesome for your self.
You DESERVE it...
Hugs...jc
serenityha
serenityha

wow, you have a lot on your mind enigma! sorry that it\'s all so stressful.
if you do want to save to visit your friend, you could go to a day spa and a nice restaurant, but i agree with all that you NEED to treat yourself.
most work places have gone crazy, but if you can start networking and letting people know - are you on linkdn or other networks?
IMHO, being with no one is better than being with someone who doesn\'t bring out and want the best for you, but you have to think that out.
wishing you the best in working on all this bit by bit.
hugs and hope!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

All great ideas. Your mind is working towards change. Enigma never be afraid of age. You only get better. Trust me on this. Think of a fine wine. You are are a juicy ripe tomato. The kind that is on the vine until ripe to perfection.

Take this in mind as you contemplate your changes. At least for your fifty birthday I would buy a really knock em dead dress and give myself a party with a few close and intimate friends. You don\'t need a man to do this for you. Who knows you may meet your prince charming that night.

You are the designer of your destiny. The sky is the limit. You are smart and the world is yours. Embrace it.

I am sending positive thoughts for your friends breast cancer that it is not very involved and the healing will be speedy and she will have peace with it.
muskrattiger
muskrattiger

i think you got some real good advice here .....................i know that with the pain of migrains and depreshion sometimes we just cant see what is good we realy need to stop and take a minit and think and take time to do little things for our selves even if it is just to take a nice bath with bath oils........... i hope you feel better and find your balance i am always here for you .........take care of your self ..............god bless
muskrattiger
muskrattiger

I am starting to right in my journal if you would like to come and see