Monday

I woke up late today. I used to get lost in tv shows or books when I was younger and situations were "beyond my control". I found "All in the Family" episodes on youtube and fell asleep to Archie Bunker and Edith ... don't think I lasted past the first episode. But my, how times have changed! Sometimes it seems really weird to me, to realize how prejudiced people are. Still, even. Having grown up in a supposedly "desegregated" environment ...
I was thinking of "To Kill a Mockingbird" a while ago. We had to read that book in eighth grade and I loved it. I didn't love what happened to Tom Robinson, though. I feel I can relate, in some ways. I am definitely, myself, tired of "white men's justice" and I can understand why Tom ran ... to his death.
I remember how the trial was focused on how (supposedly) an "uppity" Tom had ravaged a member of the "poor white trash" community. But honestly, to me, the TRUE meaning of "poor white trash" comes out when Atticus has Tom stand up, and anybody with a brain HAS TO KNOW that the likelihood of Tom Robinson committing the beating of Mayella Ewell was "slim to none". He was convicted, and nary a cry ... the true meaning of "poor white trash" revealed in the lack of empathy, compassion and human decency in the (probably nearly 100%) chuch-going, "God-fearing" community.
Haunts me how well some people can write and communicate truths ... and even years after the first reading, there is meat to be found in the writing.
Last year, I contacted someone on the Board of Directors of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. After several e-mail exchanges, she told me that I should ... "go on with my life". Forget the past ... even though the past is still in the present and the damage being done.
I wish that I could figure out a way to "get out of here". Without being homeless. I can't think too hard, because my mind starts to experience that feeling of unreality ... that "how can this be" feeling.
I got cans this past weekend, as the weather has been milder and snow melt has uncovered what seems a treasure trove . BUT, if not one thing, it's another as they say ... the ground is so muddy and I still have to wear the "super suit" to keep warm ... so it is like "walking on the moon". Takes forever ... sort of like when the snow was on the ground ... but I feel feverish, thinking that the cans will be gone (at least the easy to find ones).
Luckily, I was driving slowly yesterday because I saw my tire was flat. It has had a slow leak and don't have a spare ... yet. The "donut" spare is flat, too and I hate those things, as they necessitate doing two tire changes no matter what. A real pain. I checked at the salvage yard Friday ... they had two my size ... not in fantastic shape but I guess better than what is on there now.  I should see if I can repair it. I tried putting the Fix a Flat stuff in but it wasn't really going in. I have a plug kit so maybe try that. At least when I put air in at the station, it stayed inflated and I got back to the house safely. I just checked it and it still "looks good". But I am SO tired of feeling scared to go anywhere.
The other night, so many people stopped to make sure I was "alright". Some people gave me cans out their car windows, when they saw me getting them out of the trash. And one man asked me if I wanted some donuts (he was delivering them). Sometimes I wonder what would happen if, instead of smiling and telling people "I'm just getting cans" I said, "No, I'm NOT alright but I don't know what else to do" ... well, I would probably scare them off. I think though, if I could distill all of these "small kindnesses" into one act of understanding from someone in authority, someone with the power to make a difference ... as the situation shouldn't be happening ... shouldn't even be possible. Being defrauded twice through divorce is bad enough; and no, I didn't know my legal rights or a lot else ... some of which was impeded by the "ethics" of the criminal defense attorney ex retained to represent him. But for it to happen, and be happening, THREE times in the same jurisdiction ... there is something wrong with the scenario, with the process ... something.
Talked with my father for about two and a half hours last week. My half brother went there and spent a week. He is apparently in a lot of pain and can't get around at all without a lot of assistance and pain meds .. and only a few minutes, at that.
Sometimes I cry ... but if you have ever had that feeling where you are too tired and just "too" to cry anymore, that is where I have been. The saddest part is, though, that if the hell that has been what passes for "life" were removed and I was no longer a "legally regulated hostage" etc ... God, what a difference that would make. I can't help but think of the Constitution ... the "cruel and unusual punishment" for example ... for crimes, nobody  could be subjected to what I have been going through. My only "crime" being having been married ... and worse, having children. And knowing that what I have and continue to go through ... or similar ... worse or different ... still remains the possible fate of my children ... and everyone else's as well.