whew
I was thinking that once I got the girls to college, out of the line of fire, so to speak, that I would be able to "relax" a bit more. But now I have one who is in active rebellion and basically, telling me, "You won. I'm not going." That seems more about "getting her way" than anything and I know I can't just give in to keep peace, both because she doesn't know everything she thinks she does and because I know that all this emotional turmoil affects us in various ways.
I find my concentration and probably, my motivation, are most affected. At times, it seems like "what's the use"? as things that would, in other circumstances, be getting us ahead are just getting torn apart or the legal and other "fees" are advancing more quickly than I can deal with. It sort of hurts like hell to have to pay someone to defend me from someone who has basically been acting like a lunatic for the past two years. So, sigh, get up and keep going on.
I feel fortunate in that I have some people who are VERY supportive and encouraging. Things I've been trying to do or get going haven't been coming together quite as quickly or easily as I hoped or would wish for, but I wouldn't mind it (I know) if the feeling of pressure wasn't there. I try to step back from it when it becomes too overwhelming, but I am TRULY looking forward to the first time I can lay my head down and FEEL relaxation overtake me. Feeling my teeth clenching or my back muscles tightening just informs me ... I am having to deal with more than one person needs to or should; "can" I don't know about ... I have "moments" when I feel like losing it but otherwise, (almost depressingly) I do not feel like a breakdown is coming on (although I do feel like I'm going to have one at times, sort of hard to find the right words. I guess feeling like one is "better" because, as the therapist told me long ago, people who are "losing it" aren't worried about it .... aaargh!).
I felt a bit better last night because I spent time thinking about others. I mean, I do other times, but it is most informal and I forget ... I need to get my cards made up again so that I can keep it all straight. I am just glad that I am not getting so sucked into my own hard time that I forget about other people and some of what they are dealing with. I did tell my stepmother today that sometimes, I am afraid to pray for others, it doesn't often/always seem like it is helping. I know some of that feeling is an internal thing, sort of a belief that if I want "it", that's the last thing that will happen. I think it might be something I want to think about more and deal with. I know there are things that it would not be good or right, but not every request, hope or especially, good wishes for others, can be "wrong".
I suppose the part that is VERY hard is that when all this came up with my husband, I was convinced (and still am) it was true ... that God did not bring us through his being blind, a divorce, a near fatal heart attack and a foot ulcer to drop us off the cliff and see us go "splat" all over the place. I was hurt, but actually intellectually understood at least parts of what must have been going on with him ... everything he did, some of it very painful at times to discover, was forgivable and fairly understandable, even if it could not be seen in anything resembling a positive light. But the same token, "If you get right with God, and I too and we get right with one another, there is no problem we have that can't be solved." Oh well, he chose to believe the illusion, or should I say delusion ... and I can only think how close I came to doing the same.
Court on Friday ... I am so sick of this. I merely wanted to be able to get some financial stability so I could get out of here. It is all just become an expensive circus. When we moved here in 92, I left the route job with Frito; good pay and benefits ... and they would have hired me back, but who in their right mind wants to drive 60 miles to work one way? When I moved back, I had just been promoted to a position that paid $3000 a month ... but they quit training me when I moved 40 miles from the territory. It took two years to earn that promotion; I have only been working part time and totally non-professional gigs ever since Steve took ill in 2009. So not much to fall back on right away in terms of earnings. His expectation that I just "get out" with nothing was ludicrous, but I could have dealt with "nothing" if I'd had the chance to pay down a few bills and save a few dollars. I'm going to buckle down a bit more, though and get a little stash and get out ... there is nothing here worth a war and I will be paying legal fees for the foreseeable future, regardless. Rather cut my losses than try to prove a point that doesn't need proving. So hopefully, in a few weeks, the girls will be in school and I can concentrate on what I NEED to to move on into the right direction.
Anyway, I have been contacting people in government, etc and I am learning a lot. Some of it makes me quite pessimistic or more cynical. I don't see a problem with that, if it is based in realism. I've gotten some responses, nothing fantastic but am still plugging along and taking my time with responses. I remember reading some quotes by Abraham Lincoln; I know he was a self-taught attorney and was effective in some ways that others weren't. But one of the things he said that I try to keep in mind is this: "When I am getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say." I am learning to think through and find answers to some of the very asinine reasons I am told I must endure injustice. And using reason and logic, well, only more injustice could defeat that ... and at some point, that can be exposed and publicized, although I am learning that is difficult in itself!
I find my concentration and probably, my motivation, are most affected. At times, it seems like "what's the use"? as things that would, in other circumstances, be getting us ahead are just getting torn apart or the legal and other "fees" are advancing more quickly than I can deal with. It sort of hurts like hell to have to pay someone to defend me from someone who has basically been acting like a lunatic for the past two years. So, sigh, get up and keep going on.
I feel fortunate in that I have some people who are VERY supportive and encouraging. Things I've been trying to do or get going haven't been coming together quite as quickly or easily as I hoped or would wish for, but I wouldn't mind it (I know) if the feeling of pressure wasn't there. I try to step back from it when it becomes too overwhelming, but I am TRULY looking forward to the first time I can lay my head down and FEEL relaxation overtake me. Feeling my teeth clenching or my back muscles tightening just informs me ... I am having to deal with more than one person needs to or should; "can" I don't know about ... I have "moments" when I feel like losing it but otherwise, (almost depressingly) I do not feel like a breakdown is coming on (although I do feel like I'm going to have one at times, sort of hard to find the right words. I guess feeling like one is "better" because, as the therapist told me long ago, people who are "losing it" aren't worried about it .... aaargh!).
I felt a bit better last night because I spent time thinking about others. I mean, I do other times, but it is most informal and I forget ... I need to get my cards made up again so that I can keep it all straight. I am just glad that I am not getting so sucked into my own hard time that I forget about other people and some of what they are dealing with. I did tell my stepmother today that sometimes, I am afraid to pray for others, it doesn't often/always seem like it is helping. I know some of that feeling is an internal thing, sort of a belief that if I want "it", that's the last thing that will happen. I think it might be something I want to think about more and deal with. I know there are things that it would not be good or right, but not every request, hope or especially, good wishes for others, can be "wrong".
I suppose the part that is VERY hard is that when all this came up with my husband, I was convinced (and still am) it was true ... that God did not bring us through his being blind, a divorce, a near fatal heart attack and a foot ulcer to drop us off the cliff and see us go "splat" all over the place. I was hurt, but actually intellectually understood at least parts of what must have been going on with him ... everything he did, some of it very painful at times to discover, was forgivable and fairly understandable, even if it could not be seen in anything resembling a positive light. But the same token, "If you get right with God, and I too and we get right with one another, there is no problem we have that can't be solved." Oh well, he chose to believe the illusion, or should I say delusion ... and I can only think how close I came to doing the same.
Court on Friday ... I am so sick of this. I merely wanted to be able to get some financial stability so I could get out of here. It is all just become an expensive circus. When we moved here in 92, I left the route job with Frito; good pay and benefits ... and they would have hired me back, but who in their right mind wants to drive 60 miles to work one way? When I moved back, I had just been promoted to a position that paid $3000 a month ... but they quit training me when I moved 40 miles from the territory. It took two years to earn that promotion; I have only been working part time and totally non-professional gigs ever since Steve took ill in 2009. So not much to fall back on right away in terms of earnings. His expectation that I just "get out" with nothing was ludicrous, but I could have dealt with "nothing" if I'd had the chance to pay down a few bills and save a few dollars. I'm going to buckle down a bit more, though and get a little stash and get out ... there is nothing here worth a war and I will be paying legal fees for the foreseeable future, regardless. Rather cut my losses than try to prove a point that doesn't need proving. So hopefully, in a few weeks, the girls will be in school and I can concentrate on what I NEED to to move on into the right direction.
Anyway, I have been contacting people in government, etc and I am learning a lot. Some of it makes me quite pessimistic or more cynical. I don't see a problem with that, if it is based in realism. I've gotten some responses, nothing fantastic but am still plugging along and taking my time with responses. I remember reading some quotes by Abraham Lincoln; I know he was a self-taught attorney and was effective in some ways that others weren't. But one of the things he said that I try to keep in mind is this: "When I am getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say." I am learning to think through and find answers to some of the very asinine reasons I am told I must endure injustice. And using reason and logic, well, only more injustice could defeat that ... and at some point, that can be exposed and publicized, although I am learning that is difficult in itself!
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