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Right now I am just not in a good mood. I am burned out; there is no hope for anything good and real and lasting to take place and I am sick of being punished when I didn't do anything to deserve it while other people just go out having themselves a grand old time. I guess I will have a good cry and try to get some rest.
Replies
Rest is critical in allowing us to cope. I hope you rest well and will feel better.
Last year when I was taken to the ER by ambulance from being so ill it was the needed catalyst which allowed me to accept fully the reality of this crisis of coping with illness after the death of my husband in a society having no issues with letting me know coping with such crisis without good support leaves me to be left as good as dead. I was in denial of this reality for so many years simply from my inability to accept it as truth. I could not accept how people coping with severe disability, after the death of a spouse leaves them to cope alone, are in fact left as good as dead by society unless they have the MONEY to purchase the needed care. Last year I was FINALLY willing, after this one of just many medical emergencies from enduring the harm of severe neglect from having to cope with this crisis alone, to accept reality as it is. This has been a major turning point in my survival as it has taken embracing reality for what it is instead of keeping my Christian beliefs of what I wanted reality to be to begin to develop the skills needed to adapt and survive. I think once we are forced to surrender our \'illusions\' of what is \'life\' we may begin to move on to adapt and survive to circumstances, even when in crisis, and life may begin to improve just from our willingness to surrender the illusions of what we think is truth and embrace the reality we seek to survive allowing this reality to direct us to a better quality life. Im doing better today than when I was in denial believing in a bible-god and Christian community as \'family\' when the reality was the Christian community LOVED only my money and my life of coping since the death of my husband in crisis was left by them as if I were already dead. For years I remained in denial as I clung to such beliefs where I was harmed through such mistreatment and neglect. It is hard to look back at how I considered the Christian community as my family when the truth was it is ONLY MONEY that they love where they give words up to their god at the same time leaving those of us coping ill and alone as if we were already dead -- and if left up to them we would be too. Why it took me so many years of repeated medical emergencies along with the pure, overwhelming torment of surviving this crisis alone only to be left to wonder why my \'father\' and \'family\' were leaving me as if already dead I\'m not sure outside of my \'beliefs\' where strong from a lifetime of such faith, even to the place of death it appears, but not any longer as reality is fully embraced and I live by the rules this reality presents me with.
You are not being punished but only need to learn the reality you seek to survive and learn to apply the rules it gives you. False illusions need to be packed away and reality must be fully embraced and accepted to allow us the needed focus to not only merely survive whatever crisis we face but to rebuild a viable life we may learn to love once again.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
A \'good\' cry! Dadda, that\'s ok - you\'ve earned it. You have been working relentlessly to survive and have had to deal him as well. I honestly take my hat off to you. Rest some, cry some, you will emerge stronger! Thoughts are with you!
((HUGS))