Lost...

someone will say yesSo here I am again... Alone. My ex says she's coming tomorrow to get take the kids from me. My... hell Idk what to call her (she doesn't want me either) is mad cuz I'm tired of hurting and would like to cut of the pain from her as well... I remember growing up just wanting to be wanted... but my grandparents were too busy. My bio mom just left me. So relationship after relationship I've always wanted the same thing... For someone to want me claim me need me! Is that really so wrong? I go out of my way to make sure they are happy for the little bit of hope I have left at being something, fitting in,being spoken for something dayum. I just want the pain to end... I want to be numb! I thought about cutting but I don't even think it'll get rid of this kind of pain. I'm soooo tired. I just don't understand. What is my purpose if noone loves me? I don't get it... I hurt everyday hoping that for once she'll see me want me not just sexually but connect with me complete me. I guess I'm not that lucky. Ive been looking for a house for the longest but since my son is 18 I have to pay double app fees. So while I'm coughing up $120 or more hoping someone will say yes... I get turned down as usual. I've tried to stay on the straight and narrow but I'm wasting more money hoping someone will give me a chance. Apparently a chance is something I cant get in any aspect of my life! 
I feel like I'm losing my mind! I just want to stop hurting maybe if I stop loving it wont hurt when I dont get it back.
 
Ugh Idk! Just make it stop!!!