If you would have told me 3 years ago today that I would be living a functional life, I would not have believed you. I never thought that I would be able to smile again, let alone laugh and be able to actually enjoy the beauty of life.
I found this site about 2 months after Clinton's accident and I clung so desperately to what other Mother's were saying. I discovered that I was not alone in my desperation, that I was not completely losing my mind. Through the sharing and encouragement, and even the desperation of other Mothers, I have slowly pulled myself from the grief-filled abyss that is losing your child. There are still times when out of the blue I am overwhelmed with sorrow and the paniced longing to hold my son and tell him how much I love him and need him in my life...but as time goes on, it isn't such a long and labor-intense task to get myself refocused on my life in the present.
I love my son and miss him with all that is in me. There is a Clinton-shaped hole in my heart that will never be healed, yet I choose to honor his life by continuing to live my life in such a manner that would make him proud of me. He was definitely his Mother's son and through me I am still able to add some of his influence into his children's lives. I cannot wait to be reunited with him, but for now there is still much for me to do here on this earth.
Thank you again with much love and huge hugs to all the Mother's who have "held my hand" and helped me through these last 3 years. You have truly been a shelter in the storm. I hope that even just one Mother who is new to this site might see this journal and be given just a glimmer of hope that there is "light" in their future.
Dearest Clinton...today I celebrate your life. I will shed tears but I will also laugh and remember how much joy you brought into my life and what a privilege it is to be your Mom. We are separated physically but we are forever connected to each other's heart. I am looking forward to the day I can hug you again...Always and forever love...Mom
I found this site about 2 months after Clinton's accident and I clung so desperately to what other Mother's were saying. I discovered that I was not alone in my desperation, that I was not completely losing my mind. Through the sharing and encouragement, and even the desperation of other Mothers, I have slowly pulled myself from the grief-filled abyss that is losing your child. There are still times when out of the blue I am overwhelmed with sorrow and the paniced longing to hold my son and tell him how much I love him and need him in my life...but as time goes on, it isn't such a long and labor-intense task to get myself refocused on my life in the present.
I love my son and miss him with all that is in me. There is a Clinton-shaped hole in my heart that will never be healed, yet I choose to honor his life by continuing to live my life in such a manner that would make him proud of me. He was definitely his Mother's son and through me I am still able to add some of his influence into his children's lives. I cannot wait to be reunited with him, but for now there is still much for me to do here on this earth.
Thank you again with much love and huge hugs to all the Mother's who have "held my hand" and helped me through these last 3 years. You have truly been a shelter in the storm. I hope that even just one Mother who is new to this site might see this journal and be given just a glimmer of hope that there is "light" in their future.
Dearest Clinton...today I celebrate your life. I will shed tears but I will also laugh and remember how much joy you brought into my life and what a privilege it is to be your Mom. We are separated physically but we are forever connected to each other's heart. I am looking forward to the day I can hug you again...Always and forever love...Mom
Replies
You are a strong loving mother and friend and you have always been there for me. I wish I was able to reach a point in my life where I could say the things you said but for all the new moms who read this, they will know that they can live again one day. Bless you for writing this. Love, Dianne
This is so heartbreaking!!!! Losing a child has to be even worse than a husband!!!!! My son & i have been having some problems. He is 44 and newly divorced. His ex wife was so totally controlling and he just got out of a friendship with a woman friend that wanted his attention and time constantly.!! That was wearing him out , drained him!! Both blamed him and do their best to make him look like a bad person. Now he reads wrong things into everything I say or do too. He has been with drawing from me too. He thinks women R controlling. I know I have said too much. He would tell me stuff and I would tell him what I thought. So now i need a break too. He is a Phycologist and tries to tell me how to live my life. I feel so bad that our relationship has gotten to where he is not even talking to me unless.he has to. He has always been such an attentive son. He had my password and the other day day he mentioned something I had told his sis in an email and was mad at me. He is really over reacting because he is trying to find himself because of always living and doing what his ex wife wanted.. long story here but now I am releasing him to God. I need a break from him too. i tried to help and be there for him but he misunderstands everything I say or do. I miss him but I have to give him his space so God can work in both our lives it appears to me right now. I also changed my password so he hopefully can\'t read my emails anymore ,It is not right!! i don\'t do that to my kids and it isn\'t right that they do that with me either!!! Have a nice weekend and a grateful life!!! I hope we both can!! Relationships R so hard when we R close to our kids it seems. My grps and email friends R nice friends and I am beginning to like them better than I like my kids. I love my kids but don\'t like them very much right now!!! I feel like they ( my 2 youngest) expect me to do and say everything the way they want and if I don\'t..... i feel like I am always apologizing or explaining everything I say or do with them!!! My oldest got mad at me 2 yrs ago because after 3 mos of grieving over the loss of their step father she kept trying to make me stop whining and get on with my life as she called it.. He wasn\'t worth my grief to my kids. Especially to her. I said I wish she would MYOB finally. So she has nothing to do with me or her kids and g kids either. She told me I let people tell me what to do. But when she told me what to do and I didn\'t she quit talking to me. Problems!!! Sorry to go on so here but right now I am just giving my kids some distance!!! I wish it didn\'t have to be like this but it sure looks like it is for the best!! TY for letting me vent I needed it!!!! June.
What an inspiring letter!! Thank you! You give us all hope. I am still in early days, but reading your letter does give me so much hope that I too will be able to participate in life fully again. Thanks for being that \"hand\" that we can hold onto in our times of sadness.
Take care, and thanks so much for your encouraging letter!
Hugs,
Joan
Thanks so much for your journal entry. After 10 months I still feel that I\'m mostly walking around in a heavy dense fog but the fog seems to be thinning out a bit. Meltdown moments are less frequent and smiles and being able to focus on other activities are more frequent.
Like you in your early days on this wonderful website, I choose to believe moms like you who are further along the journey that it will get easier and more gentle and that life resembling a new \"normal\" will emerge.
In our family we say that we have a \"Corrie-sized hole\" in our hearts ~ just as you have your Clinton-sized hole in yours. We are learning to work around the hole, sometimes more successfully than others.
Today I send love and hugs to you for your encouraging words and to Clinton for being Clinton ~ Debbie, Corrie\'s Mom
Lynn...hugging you tight today. Clinton is proud of his mama...I know he is. Your journal will surely encourage the new moms...and give them hope. I remember just wanting hope! I never thought I could make it...but here we are...three years later...\"making it\"...and you have been one of the moms that have certainly helped me. I love that you are choosing to live...Love to you sweet friend...Karen
I am encouraged by reading this today because it is from your heart. This is not a linear journey yet a spiral and as you mentioned we will always have those hole in our heart days, yet the \"recovery\" time back into our present lives can happen. I have learned so much from each of you and am in gratitude daily for this healing site. I know that Clinton is smiling and for so many reasons. Thinking of you with gentle hugs and again, thank you! Love, Joanie
I am sure Clinton is smiling down on you today & everyday. I could have written this entry...exactly the way I feel. I never thought I would ever enjoy anything ever again but we do learn to live a life again with a giant size hole in our heart that is occupied by our child & a piece of our brain that can never stop thinking of them. Hugs, Ann
Lynn,I can almost relate to each word of your journal, mirrored every step in my own journey of grief. I feel so blessed to find this site, to find all my wonderful friends who have been holding my hands all the way. You are my inspiration Lynn, Clinton must be very proud of you. love you heaps Robyn
I just read your journal and it really gave me hope that I too in time will be able to enjoy life,maybe not as I did before but at least better.You, as the other moms are such an inspiration to me Big Hug,Laura
Your words are so perfect....\"a Clinton-shaped hole in my heart...\" We will always have these holes in our hearts but we will also go on and live. Thank you so much for this wonderful journal. Peace and Love, Anne
I read your entry again today and for some reason it speaks to me even more now than before. Simply beautiful and the words, \"I choose to honor his life by continuing to live my life in such a manner that would make him proud of me.\" Such a spirit thing when I read just what I needed for this moment. Thank you! It is a moment to moment choice and I\'m with you... I choose too to continue to say, \"Yes\" to my life now and to know that Clinton and Doug are truly our greatest cheerleaders helping us to live into this choice each day. Just had to comment again and hope to read more of your journals when you are ready to share more. You have so much wisdom my friend. In gratitude, Joanie