I have been struggling alot since April 21st, which was the 11 month anniversary of Clinton's passing. I have also been trying to figure out why my emotions are harder to control and why I am feeling so lonesome, sad, crying just out of the blue and on the verge of panic at times. My mind works so logically and I really do think things through and reason things out thoroughly. Even in crisis, I am always able to keep myself pretty much under control. I have thought and thought about what is going on with me and have come up with what I think must be the answer and would like thoughts from my friends here. Each Monday I always have somewhat of a struggle at 11:03 a.m., which is the time Clinton was electrocuted and fell from the ladder, and again at 4:10 p.m. when they turned off the machines that were keeping his body alive. I am getting better at dealing with it as time passes. Each month on the 21st, the day Clinton passed, and on the 25th, the day we buried him, I have the same struggle, but again, I am dealing with it better. I had a tough time at the 9 month mark because that is how long I carried him before giving birth. I think I know what my mind is doing now. On the 21st of May it will be one year. I have gone through the shock, the overwhelming all consuming grief, the numbness, but as the one year date looms, I am really having to accept that this is real and I am going to have to live out the remainder of my life without him physically in it. For whatever reason, my mind has set that one year mark as a point of no return and I am just heartsick and panicked about it. I guess part of me, that I have no logical control over, held out hope that it really wouldn't be true if it didn't hit the one year mark. This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who is trying to read it. You are probably wondering just what kind of nut case you have come into contact with. Then again, there may be someone who knows sort of what I'm feeling and might have some words of wisdom for me or some insight on how to handle it. Anyway, thank you to all my wonderful, kind and caring friends that I have found here. I really depend on you all and love you all so much. I don't know how I would have ever survived this without all of you and I know that I continue to need you on this long, never ending journey. Love, prayers and hugs to you all...
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Unfortunately what you\'ve said makes way too much sense. As we move from shock to numbness, to grief we are working our way toward acceptance. I\'m not there yet and it sounds like you\'re not quite there yet either. I wish I had some words of wisdom. Sorry I don\'t. Just hang in there with us. Journal more often and let it all out! I love you and want to help if I can. Your kind words have helped me so often. Hand in there dear friend! Cyn
Umm...yeah...makes sense to me...Alex\'s anniversary date is May 18th...and definitely the emotions have been right on the surface. We analyze all our thoughts hoping to somehow make sense of our tragedies. Can we make sense of this? I doubt it. Finality! That is what we fear and what we long for...we cannot escape this part of our lives, no matter how much we want peace. If we find peace...we have to find it within ourselves. I pray that eventually we will not look at days and times and gringe...that somehow it will become the fabric of our lives and we can see and feel happiness from other parts of our lives. I do not know...but each day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and try. Love to you...from a fellow traveler...Karen
I do know what you mean, and if you\'re a nut case them I\'m right in there with you! That one year anniversary was very hard for me. But, since then, I\'ve kinda of stopped counting the days and the months. I mean, I can tell you exactly how long it\'s been, but it isn\'t an all consuming thought anymore. By the way it has been 1 year, and 5 months. On May 11th it will be one year and 6 months, one and a half years without Robin. So maybe, once you\'ve made it through that awful milestone the agony will ease up some for you to. Not go away, because I don\'t think that it ever will, but maybe it will be a little better. Keep writing!!!
Love Kathie
Lynn-
I am so sorry that this is all still so hard. I think yu make perfect sense. I am having the exact feeling our describe in terms of it all being so real now. The phases of grief were and are still so traumatic, but the dull ache of knowing that with every passing day, it is all just true and this IS the way life will be. Over the weekend I ws in church with someone I love and there was a prayer for \'those for whom the Spring is hard\". I felt my body start to just weep from way down in my soul. I told the person I was with that I was suddenly so aware of how desperate my family and I were this time last year. I cried for almost the whole service but was happy to be with someone who understands.
I know that your Clinton watches out for you and I wish I could give you a real hug of understanding. You help so many people by being honest about what is going on. I hope you can take in the love and care we all feel for you.
Caroline
It makes perfect sense. I go through the same thing on the day of the week my son died and the day we buried him. I even struggle with the day before he died thinking if I had of just called him. It will be 4 months on mothers day since Curtis died and I am wondering how I am going to get through that day. It is very hard this thing we are having to go through. But we will all make it one day at a time. And when God calls us home we will be our beautiful children again.
Love Kathy
I understand your feelings even if I have not reached that far yet in my journey. Each tuesday is very hard for me, on 13th of each month I am a mess. With one year mark coming up, the waves of emotions will try to take control. I am here with you on this difficult journey. hug and love Robyn
It\'s funny that almost any number of things can be associated with losing our kids, dates, times, songs, favorite foods. It is always in our consciousness. I think we all do what you write and each in our own way so we must all be nut cases. We let our heads run wild somedays. My first year is approaching too and I am trying so hard not to anticipate the day. We can\'t really just let it be another day because it is so significant but I haven\'t had any ideas as what to do. Any ideas? Thinking of you. Love Robin
Lynn, it seems that every one of us who has passed that one year mark has gone through that last month and begun to fall apart again. I think you\'re SO right: reality is sinking in - which is what makes the second year harder in a different way. How are we supposed to go on with our lives without our sons and daughters? Surely there is some mystical answer for each of us - some reason, some lesson to be learned, some truth to be discovered. For me, all I\'ve learned is that this is the most horrific pain I have ever experienced and there will never come a day that I don\'t want my son to come back. I\'ve no doubt it is exactly the same for every one of us. xoxo Barbara
aarons angel date is may 17th it will be a yr , iam at my wits end with all my emotions rushing in and out of me every day like a tidal wave , i hate thus new so called life with out my first born grandson , this sucks in big words ++++++++
I was thinking as I finished reading your journal entry... I do know what you\'re saying all too well.... I tried to figure it out... why it would go up and down without any apparent reason.... and like you as that 9th month approached I just really had a hard time... Now I blamed my fears about the anniversaries 30th of every month... 3:05am because that was the stated time of death... harder yet was 6:02am because that\'s when I heard she had died... and the 1st birthday..... I expected hard times because as I\'d been warned.... but why the 9th month... then I remembered like you it hit me... 9 months... the magic 9 months until we could hold them and suggle them and smell that lovely baby smell... so another hurdle... and then it was coming to the 1 year... and I was afraid... and then sometimes I was mad... because my mind was saying... and what happens after the 1 year anniversary.... will it be all better... and I knew it wouldn\'t.... Cara\'s 1st birthday was Sept 9th... a little over 10 months after she died... and I spent it with family and tried to celebrate her life... and it wasn\'t as bad as I had thought... Her 1 year anniversary was in a way just another day.... nothing remarkable... I didn\'t talk to anyone... I didn\'t go crazy and go to the spot where she died... I didn\'t go force open the masoleum... I\'ve thought every crazy thing you can imagine.... Here of late I\'m trying hard to think... most of all I am grateful for all that I have had... and I do believe we\'ll be together again... So... if you\'re crazy... so are we all.... I will be praying that the love that lives on will bring memories and peace. Hugs Elissa
I know exactly what you are going through. It is coming up on the anniversary of my botfriend\'s death. I am trying to prepare myself for all the emotions that will surely come back to me on June 1st.