I have been struggling alot since April 21st, which was the 11 month anniversary of Clinton's passing.  I have also been trying to figure out why my emotions are harder to control and why I am feeling so lonesome, sad, crying just out of the blue and on the verge of panic at times.  My mind works so logically and I really do think things through and reason things out thoroughly.  Even in crisis, I am always able to keep myself pretty much under control.  I have thought and thought about what is going on with me and have come up with what I think must be the answer and would like thoughts from my friends here.   Each Monday I always have somewhat of a struggle at 11:03 a.m., which is the time Clinton was electrocuted and fell from the ladder,  and again at 4:10 p.m. when they turned off the machines that were keeping his body alive.  I am getting better at dealing with it as time passes.  Each month on the 21st, the day Clinton passed, and on the 25th, the day we buried him, I have the same struggle, but again, I am dealing with it better.  I had a tough time at the 9 month mark because that is how long I carried him before giving birth.  I think I know what my mind is doing now.  On the 21st of May it will be one year.  I have gone through the shock, the overwhelming all consuming grief, the numbness, but as the one year date looms, I am really having to accept that this is real and I am going to have to live out the remainder of my life without him physically in it.  For whatever reason, my mind has set that one year mark as a point of no return and I am just heartsick and panicked about it.  I guess part of me, that I have no logical control over, held out hope that it really wouldn't be true if it didn't hit the one year mark.   This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone who is trying to read it.  You are probably wondering just what kind of nut case you have come into contact with.  Then again, there may be someone who knows sort of what I'm feeling and might have some words of wisdom for me  or some insight on how to handle it. Anyway, thank you to all my wonderful, kind and caring friends that I have found here.  I really depend on you all and love you all so much.  I don't know how I would have ever survived this without all of you and I know that I continue to need you on this long, never ending journey.  Love, prayers and hugs to you all...